You see, I felt empty this long... I know I've been saying that I need to focus on myself and taking a break from most things. But somehow, because I don't want to think, I ended up not wanting to do a thing. It's definitely not that good I know! I just want more time of my own and clear my mind while I stay away from most people where I can't feel that I'm part of them. But then I ended up lacking in motivation suddenly, and then I lack the inspiration to write my lyrics. It doesn't come out of my naturally like it used to. (T ^ T) I was so upset about this and so I don't have the mood for anything else. Then I ended up not doing anything again,...so it turned out to be an endless cycle! I wonder if the reason behind it is cos that I've no longer have any feelings/connections with Ayu anymore. From having no feelings to getting irritated with her recent activities, I think I'm mostly done with being her fan. Everything she does now doesn't make me feel related to her anymore. I can't feel her song nor her lyrics. She's became the queen that is so far from reach. She isn't the same person that made me like in the first place. From disappointment after disappointment, I've learnt not to expect anything from her anymore. But I still keep getting disappointed with what she does. I'd rather she take a break than me taking a break. Because my break from her couldn't last! I ended up having to make such a decision.. The news of her keep appearing everywhere made me irritated. Why do you have to keep acting sexy? The Ayu I know of and liked doesn't act that way all the time. Where is the Ayu who wrote profound lyrics that made me learned and love? NOT HERE ANYMORE!
You know, I've actually been defending her and telling myself to support her no matter what but this time I don't think I can last and lie to myself anymore. I couldn't take it. Since I actually felt uncomfortable I think probably I really have to let go. It's been bothering me for this long so why should I continue to make myself feel so troubled? Initially I thought her next studio album shall be the determining factor as to whether I'll continue to be her fan. But now since I already felt that uncomfortable should I even wait that long? Maybe I shouldn't be taking this too seriously, but I don't wanna be a fan for nothing. I seek that feeling, inspiration, motivation and love from my idols. I don't wanna follow blindly. I know she grows and so do I! And that's why I believe that it's probably time for me to let go.. And I did! I've actually dump away those new articles of her I've collected over the years and also all the posters. The only thing I haven't yet done is her albums that I've painstakingly collected for 12 years of my fandom? I probably need not do this far but... I just can't help it. I've been struggling with this for so long. It took me a while to realise that I'm actually not so into her since Party Queen era. All along I'm actually forcing myself to keep up with her. Because I don't wanna waste the effort and years of collecting. But now I believe it's better for me to face the truth... I would say I'm about to give up being her fan for real. Maybe I'll be free and better this way. (,_,)
I don't wanna feel upset but to be true to myself. Since I really love rock a lot and I can't feel Ayu anymore through her pop songs, it's better for me to go after what I truly love. Moreover, we live to be happy isn't it? I should stop letting myself feeling troubled for things that don't work for me anymore.
Yeah, now that I've finally spoken my thoughts, I feel better now without keeping this within me anymore. I'm only thinking how am I to break such a news to everyone. (._.)
Maybe I don't need to say so since no one there really cares about me. I'll just continue to live my life and do what I want.
Well anyway, I've updated my twitter profile and I'm glad to say that. haha.
And since Buck-Tick music has taken over my time mostly, it's time for me to start a new life with the lyric work that I'm proud of again.
May this will be the reason for me to get moving and start all over again...
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