When had a bad day...

Oha my space. It's a holiday morning but here I am naturally waking up at the usual morning time. I guess yesterday's incident brought me to be even more moody. But I'm keeping it inside me and trying to stay calm and pretend nothing has happened. Still, mr brain failed me and keep thinking about it. Here this just feel as though I can't make a single mistake or it'll be broadcast around. 😱 I was in disbelief. I felt so misunderstood. But who will think in my shoes right? It was the first time it happened to me. I don't think it's appropriate to tell anyone cos this felt like a stab to me. Okay, so my fault for being muddle-headed at times.. but I didn't wish for this to happen! Recently I've been even more forgetful. I have no idea why for one second when I think of something I can forget it the very next moment!! This has never happened before either! It felt so scary now.....that if I were to be so unsure of myself again I might face another one to upset me. With once I certainly had enough of it. ☹ Probably everyone are guessing too, and maybe my co-worker beside would have guessed it if she were to notice me. Although I shouldn't be thinking so much to leave myself feeling so horrible. But all of this is possible. I'm just..... starting to feel detached from this place. I really wonder if I can ever befriend anyone in the workplace. 😦 

In addition, there's actually a big blood clot at the bottom of my tongue. I must have got it a few times in my life but it was just last night I took a closer look at the mirror because it was bothering me while I'm eating. It's so strange something at my tongue keep brushing against my teeth and it kinda hurts. A while later I tasted blood. Where did it all come from??! I have no idea how the clot just came when I didn't feel any pain earlier on. 😭

Pain from work, pain from body, pain from relationships. This has gone far at such a wrong time.

If only I can return to sleep and pretend none of these has happened.

But I'm awake too soon to recall those. 🤕 I need to find myself again. 🙀

Busy week!!

Here's a quick update to sum up this week!! I got two bites from some insect on Monday in the office but surely it's not mozzie. It really itches me a lot on my left arm. >_< Damn it lasted for so long until Thurs despite putting medicated oil.

Anyway the weather turned cold and I felt uncomfortable. But I was too overwhelmed with work during working hours. I guess I should really remember to take breaks in between but not until when my body signals me to do so. 😣 

Work aside, I've already made plans for the whole of July!! That's why I'm getting busy until that I can't use my com to blog today. Great, I was wondering what's up for this month but it turned out that it all gets occupied. But I really need to use my com right? I can't leave it and since I bought it. Those electrical stuff have to be used just as often argh. Then I was so tired too I had naps of like 15 mins during the journey to and from home. I think it's such short naps that made me even more tired come to think of it. When I reached home I drop to bed soon after. I napped like 30mins. Just can't control it. 😖 Especially I'm worried if I don't sleep now I'll end up unable to sleep the entire night. Sob. 

Oh yes and I did some shopping, giving and receiving gifts as well. All the photos shall be in my next post then haha. 

Anyway there's still something that bothers me a lot and yet I can't solve it. I've been waking up in the mornings having eyelashes that fall into my eye! And it's always my left eye! Moreover my lashes are long damn it!! It hurts so much!! I have to spend so much time to get it out by keep flushing water into my eye. Just yesterday it didn't really work so I keep pushing my bottom eyelid and there it finally comes out. Haha I figured out this trick somehow. Damn u know how I'm angry with it. That's becos there was once years ago where I had a swollen eyelid for like no reason and of course it won't be easy and comfortable to look at things at all. I thought it might be an allergy but clearly it shouldn't be, since I didn't eat anything different that day. It was about 3 days later I decided that I should have a clearer look to see why. So I pulled down my left bottom eyelid way down.... And there an eyelash was stuck in there!! I quickly went to flush it out and managed to get it out. After that the swell gone very soon. I should have known it!! My lashes drop so easily and always in the mornings. I don't get why even though I eat my vitamins. Whatever the reason it is, I don't like my long eyelashes at all. That's also why I don't put on mascara and I'm glad I don't, in case u know if it falls into my eye with all the product??! Why is there products all meant for getting long eyelashes? Why can't there be one for getting short eyelashes that would be better. I need it! I had enough of it and I don't care if lashes made me prettier or not. I just need them off my eyeballs. Argh. 😠

Ok, I'm done venting. I need sleep again so next morning it'll better be good once more. Have to welcome a gloomy Monday. As u know, my dearest man's death anniversary. I don't know how I'll be feeling tomorrow but my day will be better since my friend wanna come to meet me. It should go good. 

That's all. おやすみ。 May you appear in my dreams and tell me u're doing well in your world. 💗

I should have...

I should have been more firm. Should not doubt myself. Should be certain about what I was doing. Shouldn't give in easily. Shouldn't think too much about others. Should know what is correct way of handling matters that will not endanger my position. I should have been direct and emphasize my point. I need not show unnecessary concern. 

That beats for someone like me who isn't good at articulating. I just can't get good words off my mouth in split seconds right at that moment. I'm still better with written words cos at least I have few seconds to think of what to write. How does everyone's mind work? I wonder how can some react really fast to situations with the right spoken words. I've been messing up with what I'm trying to say lately. Maybe becos I don't get to talk on the phone as often as before? Maybe compared to others I'm really someone who speak lesser words in a day... I don't know but I can talk really well with my friends. Maybe facing with strangers puts me into some nervous mode unknowingly. I don't even know what I'm saying sometimes. It's annoying while I'm trying not to embarrass myself. What can I do about this?? :( 

Is there a time where I can really rest and not think of a thing especially with regards to work? 😢

先週: 疲憊

I've been sleeping at around 12 am for the whole of last week...no matter how hard I was trying to get myself to be in bed earlier but I just can't. I ended up doing lots of stuffs for myself and I can't seem to stop! I have been doing things every minute at work, and when back at home I ended up the same, the difference being doing for myself but not for the sake of money lol. But it's really exhausting, since my brain keeps on working non-stop and so I see weird dreams at night again. This really affects my sleep quality cos I don't feel having enough rest, not to mention that 7 hours of sleep is surely NOT enough plus there are always noises around so I got disturbed again and again. This really sucks how I have to summarize for the week. -_- Nevertheless I enjoyed my weekend not doing much haha. But it was kinda wasted since I don't think I'm productive for myself for the week. Well, there's bound to be a time to take things a little slow or to just shut away from everything else. Let's see how's it for this week. I hope my energy will be back again. Work is definitely gonna be a rush but despite that I hope I can get the things I want to be completed.

Yes! Let me regain my energy even with all the aches!! ^_^; 

わからない、、、

Oh my gosh...it's already April now and look how little my posts is for the month of March. >_< I'm equally troubled since I don't have the internet at home for the past month and it baffles me how such a problem is to be solved in this house. I guess I won't have it anytime soon yet so I can only bear with it and do this mobile post just to feel better. T_T

Well, I haven't been feeling that good anyway and it just sucks cos home is not a place where I can relax or feel better anymore. I find work more enjoyable than being at home. It's amusing how I ended up finding other people being more understanding than ur own family members. Well everyone has their own set of problems so...I'm not someone who wanna say too much about my own to others. But I've heard a lot, and I know. I badly wanna leave this place since a long time ago... I know this is not the place where I belong. This is not the kind of life that I wanna lead. And I don't like to be ordered around and being hurried at. It's stupid enough that I didn't even get the basic respect as a human. I had enough of such a life. I definitely began to miss the time when I get to stay at a friend's house for 2 weeks. It was the most awesome time of my life for that I can ever remember. Because I can get to chase after my favourite singer and have the absolute freedom I was yearning for. I want it back so much again. I need the peace and freedom to be myself. I need to have my own life rather than stuck in here. I feel that I haven't really lived my life at all doing whatever I want but to keep considering for those who didn't really cared about me. I feel so tired having to be trapped by such responsibilities. 

Since I wasn't wanted in the first place, why did u bother to bring me to this Earth?? 

I just couldn't understand... 

Is it over yet?

The busy week is just over!!! But not like I'm very happy about it though, I still have so much other work to do and get them settled soon. There's always the deadline that I have to make sure I get them done before that. It's always rushing, but at least I can plan my time well to rush before those dates. I have been so busy and drained for the past week that I have got no energy to see around me what's going on. But anyway, since I have already decided to focus on myself this year, I guess I shouldn't be bothering myself with any unimportant stuffs too. If it's tiring me out, I probably should leave it aside and not let it ruin myself. Besides, work has been enough to take over my life. Lol. 

I might want more time of my own for this year. This is just the beginning but I have somewhat having those struggles just like before and I feel something is lacking in my life too. I have so much thoughts lately. I wished I can get distracted through work but after a day's work I might start thinking about all sorts again. What is missing in my life now (besides my dear Shua)? What do I want actually? What is there that I can do? Who really cares?? I have so many questions that I'm still finding the answers to it. And damn, it's only Tuesday but I'm very tired now. My whole body is aching so much!!! Probably the worst I ever felt. And my stomach hurts a lot today too. Maybe cos I have been working too hard. And maybe cos I've those bothering thoughts. I just hope I can get better soon. I need a deep sleep for days so that I can revive again. I might be worse than a zombie now. >_< 

If I consider something to be over for me, that's when I know I'm not the same as before and so I will totally let it out of my life and won't look back again.

Can I really give up? 

Restlessness please be gone...!

I've actually been bearing with the restlessness in me for a week!! It's was quite an uncomfortable feeling. Argh...very, actually. It got worse on Monday, cos for the first time I couldn't sit still doing my work in the office and keep fidgeting. I felt as though every part of my body has loose wires. I can't describe how this feels but it's just horrible!!! It's like there's something in me in which I have to get rid of...And since I couldn't take it anymore, I went for a run after work. It's kinda weird. I don't feel that breathless like I usually would when I run. It's only that my legs are stopping me cos of my aching muscles. But anyway, I felt better after that. Can I not believe this?? I haven't go for a run for months.... Or a year? I don't know I've lost track of my exercise routine I supposed. It might be bad for my body to suddenly get to exercise but at least I got the problem solved. At least for now. I really hope it won't come back. And I'm not sure what's the cause despite searching on the internet. Guess it's really not dependable sometimes. My diet remains unchanged and I didn't do anything special. I'm definitely not on medication either. My everyday life timing is so fixed for work and sleep, so what could be the reason? The only thing is probably that I'm not as stressed as before but how does this explains?? Oh goodness, and in fact I don't like that if anything happens it'll be stress that causes it. Must it always be the one to be blamed? I need a more valid reason to be convinced. Lol. 

It's Wednesday now and I'm pretty ok. I thought I would get sick since nausea came yesterday. It hasn't been around some time already. Neither do I know the cause of it. My body is probably so screwed up now and I can only see what's gonna happen. I should let myself relax better in some way and enjoy the holidays soon next week especially. I don't know what to think yet since this week isn't over. I've still got so much things to do...... 😣 

Please let me have sweet dream too. The past nights were weird dreams and I'm afraid it'll affect my sleep quality. Maybe that's why... 

Time for bed!! 😴

Rainy Sunday~

I'm doing a mobile post again but it's first time for a weekend since I'll usually use my com. But I wanna have a nap in such a cool weather :D It's really been good for me that I can enjoy sleeping that much but it's also not very nice since I can't go for a jog as I wanted to. ^_^;

Anyway it was an awesome weekend for me!! I felt really happy and relaxed. I went for a simple full body massage yesterday. Although it wasn't so relaxing that will make me fall asleep, it was still a nice worthy experience to treat myself. My skin is all smooth now. xD I got hungry too easily nowadays and breakfast doesn't make me full. I felt hungry the entire session and I guess that's why I didn't get to feel I'm able to fall asleep. Lol!! But after that I think I ate too much!! Had fish main course, drink and soup. And then dinner was a lot for me too. But all was satisfying of course. It's always great to hang out with the right people. Haha. And I'm able to get a gift for myself which is a watch I wanted and do some shopping despite carrying so many things yesterday. I also finally got myself color pencils for my coloring book!! Got talked into by my frens to get quality ones and since it was on sale too. How great! 48 colors to choose from!! I'm gonna be so indecisive at choosing which to color the flowers and such. Hahaha. xD 

I painted my nails today!! I just feel like it since next week will be a big thing going on. My nail polish is just glitter and not that obvious though. I painted for the fun of it since I don't do it often. I rather do so for special occasion. But I wondered if I ever have the time for my green nail polish for this Xmas. I wanted to pamper myself more this time for my hair too. Have no idea if I can be able to squeeze in time for everything but it's been all good so far and I'm so happy in December as always. Now my holiday mood is here and I can feel the jolly spirits since it's cool and rainy too. Haha. I just hope my wishes will come true and my plans for next year will succeed too. It's gonna be enjoyable. 

I will always be happy. 😊 

Happy no exam day~

It's Thursday!! I can't wait for Saturday cos my mind has already fast forward a day. Lol.

Man, I just feel this week fly past faster than usual and I have no idea why I only feel like this now! One good thing is that ever since I've decided not to go for the exam (which is today) , I have a wonderful sleep each night! Okay, it might just be 5 nights for now, but it was amazing!! I have not had such a good sleep for so long!! I've been sleeping so soundly that I couldn't wake up. Before this, I've always been waking up automatically at 6am or earlier...and I feel grouchy. I keep worrying about the next day, and it feels endless. >_< Does that mean I'm the one who have been giving myself stress all along?? Am I pushing myself harder than I thought? Which isn't that good afterall?

Can you believe that I've suffered for nothing for the past 5 months? I hate how this is happening. But the way my body behaves is also partly due to my worrying thoughts that's hard to change. The only way I can look good and sleep good is only when I'm really stress-free. It used to happen, but not for long. :( I do yearn for that kind of life... But for now, at least I'm back to having good sleep!! So all is not lost I guess...either way I have to give up one thing for another. And now I see my health as being more important than the stupid exam that is killing me silently ever since I have few failed attempts. There goes my money I've spent on with repeated changes and increase in the fees. How cruel. Why can't just let me made it? Is it a hint to tell me that I don't belong to the top so I need not aim for it? Lol. :/ 

Well well at least I'm glad this day is well spent to clear my work rather than be in the exam hall. Haha. And now I shall move forward to my future without worrying too much I hope. I'm really really glad cos this means I can put my focus on my Japanese. Next year's aim I will use more Jap! And hopefully I feel ready enough for this language exam instead!! It'll be a better year for me as I grow! (^_^) I need to learn to take care of myself better and probably get a new watch soon. I'm so not used to not having a watch on my wrist. It really feels uncomfortable without being able to see the time at any time. Oh wait, is that another kind of stress I'm giving myself again? Lol~~ 

Please fast forward to Saturday so I could relax. Happy December!! :) 

It's December

It's December, it's gonna come to an end... 

As what I've thought, my mind is still living in November although I didn't like that month. But I'm still not ready for December at all. 

There's still so many things I have to do and think through again. I feel so reluctant to do all that. Why have I become so exhausted? 

I know what awaits me is also the fun, but somehow I'm just afraid and not ready for everything, be it good or bad. 

What's making me feel this way now I wonder why. Life's much better than last year...so why should I be like this??? 

I don't even understand myself. -_- 

Maybe I just need more peace and sleep. Let me feel better all over again. :/ 

I need some fresh air...

Heya!! I'm trying to do a mobile post for the first time. Hope this works just fine. Lol.


It's already the last week of the month! I'm still feeling tired all the time and gotten even lazier to do things that I'm supposed to. I've started to procrastinate so much!! I wonder if it's the weather that's making me gloomy too. I have no idea what's the best thing I should be doing now. It seemed that so many things happened this month, well for work so to say. Those that I've not expected...although I get a new computer for work now and it works pretty good but some of my stuff are just gone!! I can't get it back and I have to start all over again based on my memory. Why?? Another restart for me? I wished I could understand why that somethings has to happened that way. I should have been more conscious perhaps so I can only have myself to blame? Lol. Yeah another thing learned. It just have to be a little tough for me this year. -_-

All I'm left to do now is to buck up and not let my nasty mood control me. Kagrra songs should make me feel better. I'm so into Kamikaze now. Haha.

I certainly need more fresh air. Let me breathe better again.