Having confidence

I'm happy to see Jenn Im making a video about confidence! She has always give me the impression of being confident with herself that I tend to look up to her in all sorts of ways especially in expressing myself.  So I guess many of her viewers think the same way as I do, until that she receives so many comments to do a video about this. Just sadly I didn't participate in asking her to do such advice videos for us. haha.




Well then at least to hear from Jenn that she have her insecurities even right now just that it didn't consume her that much. It made me feel she also human and not faking too much at how great she is now. (^o^) I hope her tips will help me in some way too.

Let me note down her 5 life lessons~: 
01. Stop judging other people - People who talks bad about others are usually the ones who are insecure about themselves.
02. Look straight ahead when walking in public - Ignore having eye contact with random strangers and just walk your way.
03. Listen to a badass playlist - Music has a huge impact in your life. Stuff that makes your heart pound and confident.
04. Stretch yourself - It will hurt a little but it's the way that you grow. Stop avoiding stuffs that you don't wanna do. The more you do something, the easier it becomes.
05. You will grow into who you are as long as you absorb - NOW is the time to develop your interest, because that is gonna shape who you are.


I think the most crucial about confidence is able to identify and understand yourself, and show the world who you are. Easier said than done. lol. It's something that I'm still working on although I'm pretty much sure of myself what I'm good at and what I like to do. But probably about 60%. (・_・) I'm cool I can come up with this magical number as of now. hahaa.


Let's see if her tips do work for me or not. I might have my own ways somehow or other. This lagger is just gonna take her time~~ ♪(^ε^)-☆

Cosmos #08 | Have every reason to be happy!

Yeah I'm probably getting back on track!! For this week especially, my co-workers were commenting that I looked really happy and they thought there might be nice things that happened to me that made me felt that way. And I was told to share good news with them if I have any. LOL. Well, there's nothing more happening these days, I just feel contented with the way things are now. I'm happy with my life. I'm glad that I can enjoy whatever I want at this moment at my own pace. Things have been peaceful and good. And listening to my favourite Kpop group now actually made me happy because of them. Every bit of them. ♥ That's just every reason that I should be happy with. ^_^

I got myself pumped up by doing my colouring which I wanted to complete a page in a long time! I took 2 days over the last weekend to get it done. Strangely, I just have the mood to slowly colour at every detail, but you know such things really require the mood. (・・;) Probably because I have the strong urge to at least complete a page for myself so that I can be proud of it. haha.

Wow really, I felt it was an achievement after I got it done! Since I couldn't draw well, colouring might be the second to it that I can do the most. I felt it was a little pity cos I love to draw when I was little. But I know I didn't have the talent as I grew older. Sometimes I do have the itch to draw my favourite idols in cute anime form but I really lack of the creativity and the skill. I don't know where to start with. I used to try to draw an anime character Cardcaptor Sakura during my tertiary school days. I had the whole picture as a reference. I tried my very best to draw but it looked weird to me and I can't say why. Until I showed to a friend and she told me immediately that I got the proportions wrong. The whole thing was an ugly disaster! I actually ruined it! (;´д｀)

From then on, I think it's best that I'll not draw anymore cos I just don't know how and it might make me even more upset if I didn't get it right. I have thoughts of getting how-to-draw books but I can't make myself go through every steps and be patient with it. [The thought of having to spend hours at drawing turns me off. lol.] Well it's not as if I have to be good at it, so it didn't mattered to me that I didn't carry on anymore. I just don't feel like wasting my time on something that I know for sure that I won't excel in it no matter what. Artists themselves are people who really know how to draw without being taught! All they need is just a pen and paper and they can draw perfect lines and shapes. BUT I CAN'T. I need all sorts of tools like ruler, flexible ruler and pencil so that I can keep erasing any off points but artists don't need to! Maybe practice does help but I don't have what it takes. lol. Patience and mood for art is what I'm lacking. But one thing for sure, I do know how to appreciate art for all the effort. ╰(*´︶`*)╯

Whatever with this childhood dream of mine being an artist, I don't care about it anymore. Colouring attracts me better since I don't have to think so much and be mindful with proportions. All I have to do is filling in with colours! Such an easy tasks which relives my stress as well. Haha. Anyway I noticed adult colouring fad may seem to die down a little down and calligraphy seems to be the new thing. Those brush pens does capture my eyes too! Especially with so many colours!! Well I didn't say I'm into it now since I'm a lagger. But I think I'm more interested in Chinese words than English words for now. All the strokes are gonna confuse my mind. So yeah, not at this moment as I need to let my mind off not thinking about anything difficult. lol. But how, should I even attempt at trying something new?  ^_^;

Okay, as a way to push myself a little further, I decided to name this 'project' as Zekkai [絶界: reference from B-T song] So every time when I accomplish something, I will up myself one level. Then this will make me wanna go ahead to do more and be better! How many levels will there be then? Well, no idea! Maybe it's infinite so that there's always room for me to get better. hahaa. What a way to get myself moving. Since I managed to post a lyric - ONE and done my colouring - TWO, so I'm at Zekkai Stage 2!! YEAH~~ I'm still at such a low stage. (>ω<) Let me complete something else so that I can go stage 3. HAHAHA. (≧▽≦)


Now for a little precious thing I wanna mention. I got this Sensu which is so Kagrra-ish!!! I was so happy yesterday that a little shopping made me so delighted at getting something which is so useful for me now.

LOOK AT IT ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?

I can proudly wave this fan about while I'm outside and secretly feeling happy in a sense that I'm showing the world I'm a Kagrra, fan. Well, nobody knows my motive but I don't care!! It's Chikai no Tsuki or Omou or whatever you can think of because of that moon. It's isshi's love to me. ヾ(*´∀｀*)ﾉ ♥♡♥♡

I have the self-love, the thing which I should never forget.

When I'm unmotivated...

I just have to remind myself how much I deserve some rest before I can do better...  But I just don't have the mood. My stomach keeps playing games with me and fooling with my brain. I don't wanna do anything else when I just can't move! My brain is not cooperating with my heart either. Nothing can ever get done..... Or is that so? 。・°°・(＞_＜)・°°・


Probably once every few moments I get myself to look up at "How to be motivated" but I wasn't totally in to reading everything from the webpage so hahaha. This is what my mood is doing to me. Although I used to post something about motivation before but it's something different since I'm taking it off from the diet part.

Right now I'm kinda on the way to pick myself up again. Probably I've felt better from settling most of the things from work so nothing big is weighing on my shoulders as much as before. Maybe because I get to eat a favourite dish of mine - the Scallop miso cream pasta and yummy Earl grey milk pudding that's melting in my mouth. ♡ Maybe because I discovered a new short anime and it made me happy again. I am happy for little bits of things that I came across in my everyday life, which made me feel I didn't live so bad. haha. So... how bad can this be? Just because I wasn't productive enough to do all the things I wanted to? Aren't they supposed to be done leisurely in a relaxing manner and not pushing myself too hard? Isn't this true?

So the answers should be.... 

● Stay positive no matter what. Things will get better.
● I have many idols I look up to lol. But my focus right now is on myself rather than spending too much time on envying how great their life is etc. So what I should learn and remind myself constantly is their attitude and what they're doing.
● Yes I should learn to make things fun!! Always think of how I can make an activity like studying a pleasure. A music? A treat? Shopping time? (≧▽≦)
● Maybe I should do some meditate to clear my mind of everything too.
● I think try something new should also be on the list.
● Getting excited and having anticipation for the end result should also be as important.
● And always smile by looking at smiling photos of my favourite idols or those I love cos that will up my mood level.


Well then, I should be motivated after this.

Especially after seeing those smiles. =)

Never never to forget what's keeping me moving and how it all get me started. ლ

Better hair this time ^_^

Yeah time for an update on my hair! Last Saturday was the forth time that I went to the salon for scalp treatment. Oops but I wasn't that diligent in using the scalp spray everyday though as times goes by. (>ω<) But at least this time my hairstylist commented lesser oily scalp than before [compared to the first time when she saw my condition] although the dead skin was found to be rather thick? O_O Anyway the hairstylist that I usually go to for the past 3 times wasn't around anymore so I'm back to my original hairstylist so hmm I hope it was good? She gave me a harder massage than a relaxing one and I was afraid that she didn't really know my scalp progress but can only compare it to the first time she saw me. But whatever, I guess. At least she still provides me with the good service except that I wished she could have been more focused on me. But it was a weekend so they were all busy and it didn't turn out super satisfactory for me. It all actually took 2hours 15 mins which is the longest time ever that I'm at in this salon. lol. I mind about it just a little, so next time I probably should always be going on weekdays instead. Yeah for such pampering session. lol.

The other thing I bought on my third session was the scalp shampoo. I can't believe that this was actually good! Damn are we consumers just can't be able to buy the right shampoo for ourselves at the store or are the shampoos sold out there are actually that bad for us? I've no idea what's the issue. The thing is, this is the best shampoo so far that I've used! It even leaves my hair feeling so soft I don't know what is this magic!!  I didn't think much about it at first it cost $38 which is more expensive than usual shampoos but after I used my current organic shampoo, everytime I just feel it left my hair kinda dry and the scalp still feels kinda oily or something. Then I must have a bad hair day the next day no matter how I comb it. (¬_¬) It's such a hassle to maintain nice hair!! Well this new shampoo helps a bit, but I'm still bad at blow drying it so it won't be that straight as what my hairstylist is able to do. I'm guilty of it. But I don't have awesome hands so I won't care about it that much still. (x_x) Since I have to return to the salon every month so my hair will still be taken care of and looks good for....a day or two at least?  (≧▽≦) Better than nothing. And I've been taking selfies of my hair everytime after it. This is at least something nice right? hahaha.

Well, it's been months since I started on the scalp treatment so I'm glad for the improvement. I do noticed lesser hair fall than before, although there was once I combed out a few strands lumped together while in the office. (・_・)  I was shocked when I saw it that time, and there was the other time it happened at home too. I guess my hair fall is still quite a problem especially during shampooing my hairstylist still see my hair coming off quite a bit. I'm so scared!!!  ｡ﾟ(ﾟ´Д｀ﾟ)ﾟ Okay, but this reminds me that I have to probably do some head massage for myself regularly at home in addition to this. Can't possibly depend everything on the hairstylist for me right. I must make myself take better care of my hair too!! Ahhhhh!!!!

Yeah, and next time when I update on my hair again, hopefully is much better than now. Bless me!

Cosmos #07 | What's with my mood?

It was probably quite an empty week for me. I don't think I've done much, or anything productive that I feel proud of this time. I tried doing some colouring on Tues cos after I watched some colour pens drawing video appearing on my feed my heart twitched a little. I thought I got the mood to do something really nice this time and yeah I should colour the page and enhance my mood, but it didn't last long. I coloured only 3 pieces of small leaves and 2 small flowers AND I'M DONE. I can't continue anymore. All I want to do after work is to forget about everything else and just watch the TV. TV has always been my kind of therapy at home to make me not able to think of anything else except staring at the screen and see what happens. I don't need to do a thing unlike the computer. So I've just stayed this way for the whole week. What am I to do? I don't have the mood or enthusiasm to do the things I like. My mood is dampened for unknown reasons. Maybe because of Mr Stomach torturing me from time to time and not knowing what's wrong with it. I even lost my appetite on Saturday. It's quite a pain that I can't bring myself to eat but my stomach just keep grumbling empty. It's enough to make me a stone not wanting to do a thing. I hate how it turns out. And I've got no idea how to bring my mood back when I don't even have the mood to look at how to bring my mood back. UGH. (｡-_-｡)

Okay, it's not totally bad though. Have made myself post a damn long ass lyric to feel better and bought something while I'm out. So what have I done?  =/

^ Chocos are supposed to make me happy right? I got orange dark choco which is the combination of my both favourites! This brand is damn good it's soft as a choco and the orange taste is on point. I've yet to try the new Kit Kat but yeah my mood was better only for a while after I ate the orange one. >_<

^ I'm glad for a sale going on at the beauty store! 2 boxes of facial masks and a pair of hand mask and a loose powder!!! I'm curious of how the hand mask will make my hands turn out to be. Let me post about it when I get myself to use it! hehehe.

Well but this..... was just something I got because I wanna spend my money. What an ass I am hahaha. They are probably only for decoration purpose and not that it'll really help to make wishes come true but whatever. I'm consoling myself in this way that at least I grab something that would make me feel better to have something good with me. LOL. What else? V-day is coming and I should feel loved in some way. In my own way. (´へεへ`*)

Since another week has to come, let me have another fresh start again. I will do my best. And not to forget all the things that I've wanted to do badly. ❦

#27 lyric: Carnival

This must be the long awaited lyric that I've been wanting to post since last month but I haven't got the mood to. (・・;) I think although I've made myself wrote this, it's still not that up to my satisfaction. There are many other styles that I wanna explore too, but I haven't got myself in the mood to pen down the way I wanted it to. (x_x) I wonder when will I get to write something like Soft Ballet since I'm into their style recently. But all I can do is to have the feel of listening to their songs than coming out with anything off my head. (T_T) It just seems something is missing in me and I can't explain it. I don't know what's wrong with myself for now. But at least I have pushed myself to come up with something this time for the start for this year so this is still considered good isn't it? (^_^);

Because I wanted to try on other styles, I've been listening to other favourite bands of mine besides Kagrra and Buck-Tick. Just last month it's the Gazette although it was difficult for me initially, because their songs are always so dark and deep. It's the second time I'm trying Gazette style which will always take me a real long time to write them! Ruki style is just too hard for me to follow I wonder what is he made of lol. But anyway, since mine is lyric-focused, I wrote it ridiculously long. And as for the song that got me to it was my long-time favourite that I used to blog about it 6 years ago! That was how the inspiration came to me back then to name my blog with the word. But I don't know what exactly about it am I blogging about at that moment. (≧ω≦) lol. As for now, I just think this song needs to get more attention cos it's one of the best heavy rock song from the Gazette imo. I simply love that theme. (*ﾟ∀ﾟ*)

[Inspired by the Gazette Suicide Circus]

Carnival ( カーニバル) 
Bleeding rose, as fragile as my heart
Raining tears of desolation, I can't turn back to where I've lost

In the dark clouded sky, where nightmare comes alive
Did I live enough to be destroyed and threatened?

What do the shadows mean if they can't be hidden
The chill of goodbyes that is killing me softly
paralyzing my thoughts into pain

"Madness is enough to make me shiver along 
that the reflection of myself don't seem to exist
A weakness I can't spell out 
luring me to the dead-end of my dreams
Will you be coming for me if I was abandoned?"

From the time I was kept awake -
*Merciless won't fade away
even at the bottom of desperation
I'm in need of a heartbreak to scream along in this carnival
before Cain gets into me

Just bury my heart to where you belong
before it is announced dead before it is lost

Why do people still wish if their prayers didn't get answered
The state of disappointment that is killing me gently
paralyzing my thoughts repeatedly into pain

"The disorder that makes me shiver along 
bringing about the suspicion of my existence 
A weakness I didn't want to admit
luring me to the dead-end without you 
Can I stay asleep until I was abandoned?" 

From the time I can't turn back - 
*Merciless won't fade away
even at the bottom of desperation
I'm in need of a heartbreak to scream along in this carnival
before Cain gets into me
~~~~~
Can you see that I was trying hard? 

I wanted to scream as much as I can, 

even without you. --Yuuka

Cosmos #06 | Hello February!

Ahh.. so I haven't been able to blog for the past week! I had the CNY holidays but I was too tired to do anything else productive like blogging. The only thing I wanted most is to have proper rest and regain my energy to face all the load of paper mountains at work. That said, I was extremely exhausted from the time to prepare to move and after settling down to the new office. I'm pretty sure somehow I'm still not used to the whole new environment. The first week [which was just last week before CNY] I have to keep reminding myself that I have to alight at the right station although it's just a stop before the previous workplace. lol. It was just not in my subconsciousness yet and since I didn't have the mood all along, I didn't even listen to my favourite music while on the way. I can describe my whole month in January as just being exhausted. Nothing else. There is nothing more for the whole month that I can plan or do anything for myself. The CNY holidays are too short since we have to go visiting and preparing to have the same meals for days. Yeah that's how every year this holiday will be for us. ^_^;

I'm glad I can have an additional day off but it was kinda ruined by a friend of mine. Yeah, just why do I have friends who take me for granted? I'm beginning to pile up suspicions of her since she's gotten weird during that day I would believe that she's being possessed. I mean she doesn't have a soul all along anyway. hahaa. I just don't like how she keeps pulling a long face and putting the blame on me no matter what I tried to do and respect her decisions, yet she doesn't care about mine. (-_-)  Keep rebutting at me no matter what I suggested. Had enough of selfish people, shouldn't I? Especially when you can just tell me your thoughts instead of expecting me to know what you're up to all the time. I prefer people to be honest than beat about the bush. Why can't friends be this way? She's getting over my limit too. I've been tolerating her for years, for so long. Until that I'm the one who's gonna go crazy and being unhappy instead. Why should I be affected by someone who doesn't care about me right? Anyway, I can't pinpoint what exactly is wrong with her but her behaviour is like that all along, just that it gets worse this time which is over my tolerance. I guess my patience with people is harming me in some way that leaves me breathless instead. I should really be kinder to myself and get rid of people who gives no damn about me won't you agree too?

Argh whatever, I have to speak bad of someone in order to feel better afterwards. xD

So now, I supposed I need some time to get back in fulfilling my resolutions yeah? haha. I'm kinda losing my pace after a whole month of torture so I'm glad it's over. Let the bad be over since more and more people are leaving and so should some of those 'friends' in my life. I certainly need to get rid of poison people who did me no good. Life should be better this way. I should have less troubles after this. I'm entitled to be happy, certainly.

Well, let me talk about something happy for myself. Since I wanted to do shopping badly, I have to show some of the things I bought!

^ As I have been using masks less lately, I make myself buy this box at least so to push myself to use them more! What a waste if I just keep them instead of pampering myself a little at home. See, that's what I ended up doing nothing but sleep when I was so exhausted and bothered about work. lol.  Anyway, I hardly use liquid eyeliners and so I ended up using it only once a year for CNY! I've kept my current one for 2 years and I figured I better get a new one and try it on someday. I do like how eyeliners can make my eyes look big and beautiful but it just takes up too much time for me. I need a lot of patience and mood to put it on. Or to say, I need a lot of practice so maybe I should do it often so that it'll end up easier for me to draw them next time. But really, I don't need big eyes all the time. I still wanna look exceptional beautiful on special days. hahaha.

I was kinda attracted to getting a new lipstick after I've watched a few beauty youtube videos. I love my current one so I wanna get another essence lipstick again. This time round I got the lightest shade since for some reason I just wanna go for a light peachy colour.

^ But you know what, it isn't peachy at all! It ended up too white on my lips if I were to use it on it's own. Then I tried using it as the top colour to highlight my current lipstick and in fact it works this way! Wow. Then it was this that I realised no wonder why they like to mix colours together often. Now this begin to be my thing too. (^o^)  It can actually be fun too when it turns out to be the result/effect that you want .Wow, just wow. (≧▽≦) I'm just slow to the makeup game. haha.

^ More cute things for myself~

^ And then Daiso food series of mochi I crazily get them all in different flavours. And there's the dark chocolate on the left. I'm surprised that they have such snacks now. Yet to try all of them!!

I'm considering this as my good day since I managed to buy 2 dresses and a denim jacket for work. This is a good start for my February as I've been waiting for that stall to bring in suitable clothes of my sizes. It's been a long while! Yeah since my January was empty.


Hello February. Here I come~! （*´・з・`*)ﾁｭｯ♪

xx
Yuuka