Can I start all over again?

What shall I do when I felt discouraged by someone? When she seems to be pulling me down instead of helping. I'm disappointed by what I have to face now. Things aren't supposed to be this way. (,_,)

Even as I want to cry, it's not gonna make me feel any better.

I wanted to sleep to forget, but it's only temporary.

I wanna forget the harsh words and even pretend that it didn't hurt me, but it did.

I've always tried to bury my feelings deep so that no one can see or try to even think that I'm weak.

YET...

I wished I could punch the person's face so much!

My sadness developed into anger..And then sadness again.

Why am I being nice, why didn't I say the things that I wanted to say?


If only I could totally do what I want without troubled by anything thing else. If I choose a different path in the first place, probably I would not need to face this problem.

The only thing I know now is that no one can help except myself. (T ^ T) Can't rely on anyone at all. [Strangely, this seem to only happens to me.]

While worrying is endless.. and

why happiness could only last for a while?

I feel that I need answers to all the things that I'm puzzled with. But not like I can get it from anywhere.


I feel kinda restlesss now. Tired with trying so hard for so long...

Why right in the first place, it was a mistake?

If that is really so, I wish I could start all over again too.. Just like what isshi would wished for.

If it really happens, I believe I would be able to meet him for real.   (^-^)


Well but one good thing I can say, is that it made me write some lyrics again.. I guess it's just me to write something whenever I feel sad.

And so, time to write more then.. Till I reached my goal.


One day, Isshi-sama will be proud of me for all that I've done.

I yearn for the day where I could let you see my achievements.  (T_T)


Kagrra, profle @ Red Moon Eclipse 

Kagrra, 核心 Kakushin ～To inside of the core tour 2008～ Live

Tracklist:
01. 四月一日 Shigatsu tsuitachi ♥
02. 斬帝 Guilty
03. 幻影の貌 Genei no Katachi
04. さようなら Sayounara
05. 雨情 Ujou
06. 賽 Sai ♥
07. 神風 Kamikaze
08.「叫び」 Sakebi
09. 忘却の果ての凍えた孤独 Boukyaku no hate no kogoeta kodoku
10. 風の記憶 Kaze no kioku
11. 雪恋詩 Yuki koi uta
12. 新・百鬼夜行 Shin ・hyakkiyakou
13. 恋綴魂 Kotodama
14. 夢イズル地 Yume izuru chi
15. 彩の讃歌 Irodori no sanka
16. 奇祭 Kisai ♥
17. 神謌 Kami uta

Another digest of Kagrra, live performance. Well, I'm still glad that I can listen to main parts of the songs. And also cos I didn't have so much time for a full whole live performance today. Lol. Watching lives takes up lots of time for me since I really watch so closely. xD

Wa~~ I'm so mesmerized with isshi-sama in his white coat and gloves. Aww man he look totally so handsome!! (//∇//)

Look at this part at Sai when Nao shake his butt. Lol!!

Probably this is Isshi's signature action. Lol..

And is Nao disturbing Izumi?? Hahaha.


End of concert~~

Is that Isshi's own towel?? =D


Previously [or all this while] I was kinda reluctant to listen Kagrra, of their Shizuku and Core era. Cos that was when I just got into Kagrra years ago and I was listening to these 2 album songs at that period of time.. It wasn't all pleasant back then I tried to rely on Kagrra's songs to make me feel better. So somehow it was the memories that I dun wanna recall..

But they are all good pieces, so what's stopping me? I love all and everything about Kagrra, I can't be not listening just to the 2 albums songs. Just when I've stopped thinking that way, somehow I decided to watch this Kakushin tour without realising that it's a performance of mainly the 2 albums songs. Tell me if this is all meant to be. （￣□￣）


I should be happy, since the past has been over..

I should be happy, since I'm over with it and Isshi was just so awesome in this live.

I should be happy, since I can listen to isshi's voice all the time, everyday.


No reason to be unhappy.. Remember Isshi's voice cos that's what he said.

U will always be in my heart~~ Isshi-sama.♥♥♥


Shigatsu tsuitachi is certainly the best song to start a concert~~ (^o^)

Mood is an evil thing

I hate when I have to do things according to my mood.

Because when I'm in good mood, I can be really productive and do all sorts of things I want. But when I'm in a bad mood, not matter how hard I force myself, I just can't achieve anything.(¬_¬)

And what's more when this is linked to inspiration. It's something that cannot be forced. It's just evil cos I can't control it!!! (T ^ T)


But still, I'm glad that starting this year I've been trying to push myself to write more lyrics and so, dictionary now became my best friend. Lol.

Anyway, I was feeling down for the past month of April [don't understand why things happens all at that time (︶︹︺) ] especially falling sick for 2 weeks plus which definitely affected my mood to do anything else. What an unproductive month. lol. Is that the only month where I couldn't write a single lyrics? I think so~! It seemed like a very long time ago when I last wrote a good one. Oh bother. (x_x)

Besides mood and everything else, I guess I didn't make myself arrange my time better. Argh the thing about time management.（￣□￣） Was looking at some tips and figured out what I should do on my own~~

● First I must create a To-do list of everything!
● Sort out the important things and those that I had to do or aim to do for the day.
● Focus on the task without any distraction by setting the time limit for it.
● Make something [hobby like writing] a habit and therefore will get the hang of it so it comes naturally.
● Don't spend so much time on TV/internet without an aim.
● Reward myself once I've completed an important task!
● Set enough breaks for my mind to rest too.

Just so hopefully if I'm in bad mood, it won't stop me from doing any of the above. Lol.

Yes, I can do it! The month of May will be better~~ 

My favourite The Gazette classics

Suddenly been thinking and going back to listen to some Gazette songs.

While referring to the old list I still have:
01. Cassis - Top favourite of all time! ♥
02. LEECH
03. Silly god disco
04. 体温 Taion
05. 千鶴 Chizuru
06. Burial applicant
07. Filth in the beauty
08. Distress and coma
09. Without a trace
10. Derangement

Yeah, in the end, is listening to those classics over and over again. Lol. I guess that because we humans just tend to go for what we're familiar with, and I'm like that too. (^-^;)

I wonder am I attached to the past memories or the songs themselves. But not like the past is anything better than now. Lol. Well the melody always captures the heart and once it did, it's something you just can't forget anymore. (⌒ー⌒) I also need some time to digest the songs cos I will look at the lyrics while listening so as to understand and get the feeling from the song.

Some other Gazette songs that I'm starting to like:

✿ 蜷局 Toguro
✿ Reila
✿ 泣ヶ原 Nakigahara
✿ 白き優鬱 Shiroki yuutsu
✿ 飼育れた春、変われぬ春 Shiikureta haru kawarenu haru
✿ PLEDGE
✿ Last Heaven


So I guess I didn't really listen to a lot of the Gazette songs afterall. Hahaha.(>_<) Now it's not easy to find recent/new the Gazette songs now especially at Youtube oh PSC for being so strict now. Especially for Last Heaven I think I've only heard it only once although I just fall in love with it for just once. Why can't such an awesome song be there forever~?

Alright, I shall get myself absorbed to those songs while they give me inspiration..

nope, I'm not listening to revive my memory. (>o<)

Interesting Murphy's law variations

Maybe I was feeling way being bored that I started looking out for some 'laws' as to how I'm feeling for the past months. I guess it's somewhat Murphy's law from what I know... Since somehow things turn out unexpectedly from what I hoped for [in opposite way instead] (-_-;)

"Anything that can go wrong will go wrong."

I wasn't intending to be a pessimistic person at all but sometimes I just hate to see when such things happens. Like when you're full of hope towards a favourable outcome but it turns out otherwise. Just how many times have I fall and need to get myself back again? It's kinda tiring and can't help but to wonder when will it be on my side. But I guess sometimes I just need luck and a change of strategy. No use fretting over about them cos it doesn't help and it just made my mood getting worse and I just don't know what I'm achieving at the end of the day.

I've been getting lots of advice nowadays so I guess that's probably what I shall do. Lol.


But anyway, there are quite a few phrases which I like here:

✿"Whatever you want, you can't have, what you can have, you don't want."
Quite annoying but true. lol.

✿"When you wear new shoes for the first time, everyone will step on them."
I find this funny. xD

✿"When you really need something, its either not available, or can't be found.  When you don't need it, its either available, or lays around in plain sight."
I experience this like all the time~

And maybe this too:
✿"You will find an easy way to do it, after you've finished doing it."

✿"If you lose something that is replaceable (textbooks, clothing etc) as soon as you buy a replacement the original will surface."
This seems kinda true.

✿"Better to be a pessimist than an optimist because when you say the glass is half empty it will have to be refilled"
I don't know if that is an optimistic thing or not! It's like a mix.. Kinda confusing. =/


So towards being an optimistic person, I shall uphold Yhprum's law instead. It's Murphy spelled backwards. But how do u even pronounce this? Lol.

"Everything, that can work, will work."

I look forward to the day~~ ^_^

Kagrra, 陽 You Live VHS Year 2001

Tracklist:
01. し、み、め、ゆ、き、さ、あ Asaki yume mishi
02. 魔笛 Mateki
03. 神謌 Kami uta
04. 鵺の哭く頃 Nue no naku koro ♥
05. 妖祭 Yousai
06. 刹なる言葉 Setsunaru kotoba
07. 恋綴魂 Kotodama ♥
08. 百鬼夜行 Hyakki yakou
Backstage

This live is really short since all songs are not in full, but it's way better than Fuunroku when it's a year earlier. [Can't believe this. >_<] So I guess it's just cos of the crew members filming and editing. lol.

^Just wanna capture a very nice look of my Isshi-sama. xD


I just can't helped but to find it a little amusing when Isshi and Akiya do those little dance moves at Mateki.  (≧▽≦) And Isshi didn't sing really well at Kami uta. lol.

Ah~~ Isshi wore those thick high heel shoes..Argh how can a guy wear heels and able to balance so well than me! Lol. I always have instances of almost falling whenever I wear wedges. Oh, Isshi is so much better than me in every way. I think he's even prettier than me when he dressed girly-like this this. lol. (>o<)

Did Akiya wore the same or somewhat similar to this... In fact, at first I can't even recognise him with that wide-eyed and thick makeup look. lol. His hair is kinda cute being tied up like that though. hahaha.

There's no sound at the backstage part towards the end and in it's all black and white..Ok, maybe something special for this. I wonder is Izumi or Isshi that is the one saying something at this part. ^o^
Seeing this hand stack just makes me amazed at how Kagrra, got started. I'm very happy how they get together. And I'm probably still stuck at that old Kagrra, era. Hahaha. (^-^)

I miss you isshi~~~ (´･_･`)

A week of tension, a week of emptiness, a week of...

The start of April has been so happening to me. (x_x)

I wonder is it an April fool's joke on me now.. It makes me start all over again until I'm so numb at interviews. I just hope I'd no longer see any more tests that I need to do. Lol.

I'm really exhausted and stressed, so to speak.


But of course, I won't stop. I can't stop. How can I?  There's so many things I wanna do and achieve.

After all these bad stuff and I'll be recovering from my sickness, I'll get myself back again. There's nothing to be afraid of anymore. .

If it's cos I'm numb to all these. Oh well...

The only thing that I miss doing is to watch Kagrra, no Su cos I've been stopping it for a while. Even so, I'm still listening to Kagrra,'s music and writing lyrics as soon as my inspiration comes.

I'll never stop, for the sake of Isshi and for myself. And since everyone has the confidence in me.


I can only be stronger than before. ^_^