Isshi's death impact on me [180813]

Somehow with so many things that has happened over the past year, I have heartfelt feelings on Isshi-sama in which I've always wanted to write about....

This is exactly what I wanted to talk about, about isshi's impact on me, but I ended up seeing this old entry of mine from year 2013 in the draft box, in which I didn't publish..I think at some point it must be that I was so sad when I talked about it and so I didn't dare to post it although this is what I've been feeling cos of Isshi. Of course right now I'm okay to be at this topic since I strongly feel that Isshi is my saviour and everything else now. It's him that I've found strength back again. It's definitely more than just blessing for me to think about him and listening to Kagrra, cos it always make me feel good and positive. I'll have the motivation now cos they serve as a reminder to me that I shall not repeat the same mistake for not being into, not doing the things I love and keep dragging, and then ended up regretting. And that is why...

my only thought now is to always have achievements in my life no matter how small it is [even by blogging about them or anything else] and to be more hardworking than ever. I will not let regret be in my life anymore, and work hard till I get the results I want. I won't stop to make the move of trying. No matter what the outcome is, face it and get myself back up again and keep moving! Never lag in anything I wanted to do. Go ahead with what my heart says. Believe in myself. Don't doubt anymore. Always hold on to the power within me and do something... Be strong. I'm sure Isshi is around me and he will see it! I'm sure he is already proud of me for passing my Japanese exam cos of him. There is never a day where I won't think about him at all... And this is what my life is. ♥


My old entry that is worth looking at for it to be posted finally, where my thoughts are of course still the same:

I have been posting quite frequently on Kagrra, compared to last year, but anyway I wonder if this year's total blog posts will exceed last year's? Cos I've got the urge to do as many things as I could. Since I've been thinking lots about Kagrra, and Isshi, this brought about the change in me. I still can remember the time where I know of the news of Kagrra,'s disbandment/demise, I felt so upset by it. Why is such a good band not want to be together anymore? I don't get it. And then news of Isshi's death came..I felt even sadder. I remember my old post of Nothing is forever.. I tried to make myself feel a bit positive by thinking Every ending means a new beginning in somewhere else. I really hope so...I hope Isshi does have a good beginning in heaven.

I ended my old post being quite positive with the smiley face but right now I have a sad face. ಥ_ಥ I can't help feeling so sad now that Isshi can never be making anymore beautiful music for us, not to mention Kagrra,. I have so many heartfelt feelings inside me. How much I've regretted not getting into Kagrra, enough in the past. I didn't do the things that I can do as a fan. Maybe my Japanese could have improved back then long ago. If I were to be more determined and more motivated, I could have achieved more. I could have been more active in the fan groups in the past while Kagrra, is singing. I could have understand them better. I could have.................

Why I have so many regrets.. And I don't know why either, all of a sudden this year I feel like this. But is also because Isshi's has gone, I know much better now that anything can happen...suddenly. Don't live life with regrets. Do whatever you want now. [I've always wanted to post as much about Kagrra,, be part of Kagrra, fan communities, improve my Japanese, do my origami, write stories/lyrics, etc] Now I'm planning well my time for everything I want to do as much as I could. I need to get it done! Not hesitate and drag anymore. I must give in my effort and not be daunted so easily.
Is because of Isshi that I've learnt now to live happily every single moment without regrets, and to give in all my best in whatever I do. I should have known this earlier right. I took so long to realize this. But I hope it's not too late...at least I did it.

Anyway, I was browsing the site that I saw the pv list. I looked at the members profile and noticed that there are quotes from each of them.

"Death is the end of the day..." -Shin
"I want eternal youth" - Nao
"Death is the beginning of eternity..." -Isshi
"Death is happiness" - Izumi
"Death is the end" - Akiya

I'm kinda shocked! All of them mentioned death except Nao?! Why almost all of them had the same thinking...on the topic of death? And Isshi is thinking that it's the beginning... Is he beginning somewhere happily?

I wouldn't wanna think about such topic on death anymore. I'll just believe he's in a better place watching over me. Sadness shall not come to me.

Be happy. That is the ultimate aim in life. And because isshi is saying 'yeah U should'! xD


I'm more than willing to be intoxicated by isshi. Because he's our powerful Oni. (⌒ー⌒)

Kagrra, Summer Festival Year 2004

This live us just too short with only 3 songs!! Well not in full songs anyway too. Lol. But still worth a blog post by me. =)



Tracklist:
01. 恋綴魂 Kotodama
02. 祀 Matsuri
03. 凛 Rin

I realised the Sensu is really big!~ It can cover the whole of isshi's face. Lol. I think it must be so fun and cool to wave the Sensu around with isshi. ｖ（＾＿＾）

Oh yes, to the song Kotodama~! In which has became the name for my band with Shua and Airi~!! I think I'm just so into the letter K cos of Kagrra,. even my blog name. Lol. I think those names that I chose with the letter K are just awesomely beautiful. (≧▽≦)

I simply love the red hair isshi here~~! (//∇//)

Best of all, never forget isshi-sama's smile~~! (^o^)☆

And I'm super glad I know what isshi's saying in this live. hahaha.


I love how everytime I listen to Kagrra, I feel calm and much better than anything else.  (^｡^)

New changes

It's a great day today~!! ^o^ Although I'm just at home and spent my whole morning busy texting and feeling anxious and trying to clean my room a little. Of course I wasn't feeling that lost like the past weeks. Just that I'm so afraid of not being able to pass my JLPT especially the listening section that made me worried so much!! I was trying to prepare to see the results in Feb but ended up knowing that it'll be released on the 29th Jan. lol. In the end seeing the word 合格 I was kinda worked up and teared to see such a great thing before my eyes!! (T_T)
I believe it was isshi-sama~~ He gave me the motivation and courage to take the exams in the first place. I wasn't even sure if I was able to do it, since it has been kinda tough to self-study for the past years. It was really amazing how I'm able to push myself forward with isshi-sama in mind...I can feel that he is giving me the strength to do what I want most.. and also to be brave. Well that said, my relationship wise it didn't turn out too bad or anything but it wasn't a very good outcome either. >_< But anyways, I have tried, and that is because I don't want any regrets anymore. So I tried without expecting anything although I should have known. lol. Well then, what done is done! And also, better to try and fail than not trying and not able to know the outcome?  That's what I came across too. =)

So to say, about new changes!! This time round this year, I have better aims! I've changed my blog name and twitter username at the start, and that is because I wanna make it more Japanese!! Yes, because I wanna make myself use more Japanese than last year! Kirameki●koi is the combination for Kagrra,'s album name and song name in which I love. I'll still let my tag Circusrocker remain since this blog was started with rock in mind. But one thing I find stupid is that I can't be able to search my entries with typing because of the name changes, and all the links I've put in my old entries are just....like 'gone'. Lol! Ahh~~ Whatever. My blog is still here anyway. Shall correct the links if I'm gonna look back at those old entries. hahaha.

Yes, and I also changed the banner! A picture of my top three favorites! But only Isshi and Ayu have the most impact and influence on me, Namie is just..... xD Oh yes, and I have bought this new lappy just few days ago which is so much better and easier for me to type!! Everything that comes with it is also way better than the old one which gets slower and slower each time I used it. And I was thinking it's just not worth it for repair. New com for a new start right?? I'm also into my new space and keep arranging and organising my stuffs until I feel right about them. I'm almost done!! Shall get new shelves too so that it's better than leaving everything on the floor.. Hoping to get all done before Chinese New Year! ^_^

Oh and one good thing! I've found back my stylus that I've been trying hard to search for some time! I was feeling empty without it for weeks!! I don't know why such a small single item can make me feel that way cos it wasn't that important a thing. Probably it has accompanied me for a long time, so when it's missing I felt empty? I'm so glad it appeared back to me while I was cleaning my room. I guess what's mine will come back to me after all? Because this isn't the first time that such a thing happened. I used to lost part of a key chain that a friend gave me which was really precious. I was feeling really heartache to lose it, when I'm someone who doesn't lose my stuffs easily. [although such things happened still.] And somehow it came back to me out of an unexpecting place. Lol. I was ever so thankful and glad and definitely keep it at a safe place than to use it since it was so precious. But this thing that happened really made me feel wow and this world is so full of hope! All is not lost!! Cos it won't be!! (⌒▽⌒)

So, I'm a positive person afterall? Many things taught me to be positive too!! (^_-)


Anyway, I haven't been doing much shopping for this month cos mainly due to my bad mood for the past weeks. Oh yeah, I keep mentioning how the past weeks of Jan didn't go on too good. lol. I somehow wondered how I've been through all those....sometimes it's probably just me thinking too much. Let's forget them all! =O
I bought ear cuffs which is my favorite of all time! The eyeshadow colours are really sweet and so I want to get it! And I'm really gonna run out of masks soon too! Lol~

Wait, I think I'm actually running out quite a bit of skincare products! I should focus on being pretty again and get more~~~!! xD


Oh great, these are some Japanese children strorybooks that my friend has lent me which looks good but I haven't been making myself read them all yet! Oops. Now I've got more reasons to finish up fast and return what I've owed!

Gonna buck up more alright!

More more reasons to be better, always~!  （＾∇＾）

Kagrra, Various Fireworks Tour Live Year 2006

Here comes this short concert video that I've watched last night that makes my mood sooo much better! I remembered watching this live tour some time ago [yeah and that was really a year ago lol] but have not blogged about it. Rewatching it not just brightens up my night to a good sleep, it certainly brings back some memories of watching it!! Now I'm even more super happy for the fact that I'm blogging about this on my new com ^_^ This new lappy is so much better and easy to type! New year new com to start with, right? Kagrra is definitely my life, my best medicine to anything that's troubling me for the past weeks! *sweats* Let me just focus on Kagrra, for now. Hahaha.

This scene just somehow looked so familiar I wonder is it also shown in Kagrra no Su episode. The pink shirt Nao is something that leaves me a deep impression somehow. lol. I like this live since they're in casual wear which makes this feel relaxing. =)



Tracklist:
01. 夢イズル地 Yume Izuru Chi
02. じゃじゃうま姫伝 Jajauma Kiden ♥
03. 戀 Koi
04. 幻影の貌 Genei no Katachi
05. 皐月 Satsuki
06. 逢魔ヶ刻 Oumaga Toki♥
07. 詠 Uta
08. 妖祭 Yousai
09. 奇祭 Kisai
10. し、み、め、ゆ、き、さ、あ Asaki yume mishi
11. 凛 Rin
12. 七月七日 Nanagatsu nanoka
13. 愁 Urei
Ending - 桜舞い散るあの丘で Sakura Maichiru ano Oka de [Acoustic version]

A little pity to see none of the songs sang in full. But I'll still enjoy it anyway. The opening is pretty nice to see those fireworks spinning!

I like Jajauma Kiden now that I've listened to it. I didn't listen much to this song before, but I think this song certainly suits a live performance since it brings out the rock feel to it. Oh, and time for some Isshi-sama pic spamming! xD

The best close-up I can ever capture~~ 

And I just want to say that I like isshi's pants a lot!! Lol.

Drum session by Izumi at the start of this song Oumaga Toki which is my current favourite now! This live made me LOVE this song when the music starts!! Flashing lights and isshi nodding-head-bowing style dance. Whatever shall I call it? Lol. And I think I saw Akiya did the same too but violently!! Hahahaha.

I definitely feel like doing the same whenever I hear this song. xD

Fantastic pose for Uta! Haha is actually isshi doing some dance again. So this song at the start there is this move to left, then to the right. Yeah, I remembered too that I like this song some time later cos Shua mentioned that he likes it. I certainly like it yeah!!

I love this isshi pose this reminds me of Miyako!

Trying to capture Isshi's face.. ^o^

Kisai is always such a fun song! But I'm wondering what is the phrase that the other members are shouting? I heard "That's You!"  But I supposed it wasn't so, cos it can't be in English right? lol.

Lovely scene of all fans with the Sensu with Isshi to Nanagatsu nanoka~~ !

Nice one to start off my 2015~


I love how watching lives makes me love a certain song. ♥

Yes Happy Strawberry year~~

Lol it's interesting to know from Sparrow-sama that this year is strawberry year because it's 1・5 [ichigo] !!

So let me have some ichigo for the start!!

Those weren't that sweet though. Lol.. Argh and strangely, once it's the new year of 2015, I didn't tweet anything on Kagrra's major debut date which falls on the 1st Jan. And till now I haven't yet posted anything about Kagrra! I haven't watch their vids either. *guilty* But of course, as usual I have been listening to their songs. They're my daily dose of music. Lol~ But really, the feeling of Kagrra, seems to go away suddenly when 2015 strikes. I wonder why! My love for them is not fading of course, but the feel of them somehow is drifting....

Then this means I have to write a song inspired by Kagrra soon!! The first lyric of 2015! Inspiration please come~~~ (>_<)


Anyway, the best gift to receive at the start...

It's a lucky charm~~! I'm so glad my fren got it for me in Japan. I've always wanted one but I didn't mentioned about it though. I'm so so so happy!! \(^o^)/

Some other gifts I got were tea!! So many tea bags! Pushing me to drink more tea to be healthy? haha. But somehow I'm not that fond of tea anymore. ^_^;

Let's just eat more strawberries then. xD 

Projects or Resolutions?

I was reading this blogger's post on how resolutions and goals are stupid. Lol. And then somewhat I have an impression of myself used to mentioned about that before, and yes, I managed to dig out the post being for the year of 2013. → Resolutions no more for 2013. I said plans, but I think what I meant was projects too. Haha.

How funny, I actually thought that way, but the next year in 2014 I was back to setting resolutions and goals again. Lol~ Probably I just can't used to not writing stuffs like that. Or maybe cos is isshi's year , I felt the need to have resolutions on what I wanted to do.

I agree that resolutions don't work [really well] but that's because they are too vague! We tend to say what we want to do or achieve, but not on how we are going to achieve it. I think resolutions should be combined with projects, an overall goal being split into mini projects, and thus by the end of the year we'll get what we want isn't it? That's what I'm doing now, and I think it will make me stick to it much better cos I'm able to monitor it. And I think, the largest factor goes to → Timeframe!! Setting a deadline is very important!! It'll certainly push me cos of the urgency. lol.


Anyway, I've always viewed watching anime as a project for me, cos I would love to write my thoughts/review about it after I've completed them. And most importantly my aim is to listen to Japanese and learn new words from it. But since I'm really picky at the storyline, finding new ones to watch is always hard! Lol.

Yes, this means I have to constantly come up with projects!! Let's fix it of a timeframe of a month, which means I should have at least 12 projects a year. Hmm but it now sounds a lot. lol.

So maybe I should not care about the number. Just come up with whatever project that I wanna do, and at the end of the year review it to see how many in total I did. Maybe the number will be a surprise for me? Hahaha.. The things I wanna do might be endless~~

But of course, I won't stop! This is the direction where I wanna go....

Anime Myself; Yourself マイセルフ；ユアセルフ

I just completed this anime today! Now it seems really fast for me to complete watching one since I tend to take my own sweet time. lol. And so I realised an anime of 13 episodes is really short! I used to think that it's probably just nice since I don't like to keep wondering when is the story gonna end. But now I find that 20 over episodes are more like just nice! It gives enough time to really look at the whole story. Of course I'm still not fond of super long ones like over a hundred episodes which will tire me out.  (´･_･`) I mean, my patience will wear out. And some parts will be so long winded, which is why I've stopped watching Bleach long ago....


Anyway, back to Myself; Yourself. I happened to chance upon this anime and like it cos there's some comedy to it. There's this part where Hinako wants to win Shūsuke's heart. It made me agree and laughed at the same time. (≧▽≦)

It's also for my reference. lol. He mentioned caring, soft-spoken, gentle, obedient and never behaves violently. [I think I don't fit for the last one. xD ]

This cat attracted me too!! It's really cute!! But too bad, it didn't have a good ending....  (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)

Towards the end, the story is getting sad. Somewhat affected my mood unexpectedly. It's not quite pleasant to know the truth to so many things. And the title of the anime is the title of the song that Nanaka is playing to with her violin. It seems to have a good ending but I felt it wasn't proper. Kinda vague that makes me feel they could have done better. A little pity~~

Anyway, I'm satisfied I managed to complete something. Haha.

Myself; Yourself storyline @ wikipedia

Nice December?

The last week of December was getting nice cos there's Christmas and the weather turned cool~~ I love how it's windy and rainy.. Been waiting for so long for such a season. Haha.. And as usual, I always get to have fun with my friends all other days except on the Xmas day itself. lol. But it's okay, I enjoy being home. And December is really the time I can get to rest well...Really well. Except for the first week alright, that's why it's extended to now in Jan. Lol. I really got back my slow pace and have some clear thoughts, but now's also the time for me to start panic at some point. (︶︹︺)


Talking about Xmas, the decorations in the streets is boring!! I took only these 2 pictures. It's just crowded and nothing special...Kinda bored outside. lol.

Posting some Japanese food I had on the Xmas eve!!

I thought I had enough of Japanese food, but I'd still ended up going to a Jap restaurant for a nice treat on such occasions. Lol. The food isn't that impressive but I still enjoyed it. Maybe cos I have been starving for hours.  (´･_･`) The mentaiko chazuke is something new to me and refreshing, although not that I like it. I guess is cos of the tea? A little too fried. And the mentaiko is too dry!! Nevertheless, it was still a very nice day~~ （＾∇＾）

We had dessert later and I was really wondering if my stomach could still contain more food. lol. This cold honeydew dessert smells so nice but I'm not the one having it. (,_,) Can't take cold stuffs especially at night. So maybe next time!


I wonder is age getting into me somehow cos my digestion has been bad. Have been going to the toilet several times a day. Seen a Chinese doctor who told me that cos I've been sleeping late at night it all affects my body and my bloodstream, so nutrients don't get absorb in my body. IS THAT THE REASON REALLY? I don't get why since it hasn't happened to me before, and seems like this goes the same case previously where I have acne problems. Might age be the greatest factor? I'm sad if those delicious food above doesn't get absorb by my body, but I'm pretty sure it is the case already!! I've been feeling hungry all the time throughout the day gosh who knows why!!! WHERE HAVE ALL THE FOOD GONE TO? It's like I've eaten them for nothing.. sobs. ╥﹏╥

In addition to that, I've been getting really picky at food plus the usual food I ate all along became tasteless to me. THEY ARE NOT APPETIZING AT ALL. And so, I couldn't finish my meal and ended up looking for some chocos to eat. That's bad, really. But hardly is there any food that is appetizing!! I hope it doesn't mean I have some sort of illness. Yeah, I would want to say I'm thinking too much sometimes.  (>o<)


There's one Jap food in a coffee shop that I happened to chance upon that gave me appetite on that day.

It's quite rare somehow, that I can make myself eat so much. Lol..

And I can only hope now that the medicine I'm taking helps, although it's the second week now there's only slight improvement. I wonder what else can I do about it.


And there u can hear now, my stomach's grumbling. Really really bothersome.

Time to wrack the house for food again! Gahhhhhhh..

[OD] Ayu news ~October to December 2014

Oops on my outdated Ayu news since October. lol.

#News was saying Ayu had some problems with her marriage with her hubby. Because she has to keep going to and fro from Japan to the US. It's not a nice news to hear so I shall not talk much about it. And I supposed this report is just so cos of the a-nation in Singapore. Lol.

#Ayu filmed Zutto pv at -10°C! Ayu said it was the first time she had to film in such a cold studio, it hurts! Wa~ Ayu u had done so much just for a pv!! I love it, the storyline is pretty good... only that I wonder if the one dancing in the pv is Ayu herself or not. Haha.

One thing I mind is that there's only one pv for a triple A-sided single! Ayu u need to film more pvs!! Hopefully the other 2 songs will have a pv in your next album? Hehe. There are so many songs
with the potential to have pvs! I hope u have more so that we can better understand ur songs too. And it's always better to see ur pvs appearing when we're singing in ktv. hahaha. =D


Talking about this new single, Ayu official Youtube release the full length single songs with the lyrics.. in instrumental versions!!







It's kinda cool.. It allows us to practice to her new songs even if we haven't  yet bought the single. lol. These 3 songs are really amazing... It's been long since we see such a nice winter ballad single from U Ayu~~! Ur lovely ballads have always been accompanying us from the end of the year to the start of the new year~~


ずっとずっとあゆさんは私のインスピレーションだ。もっと歌詞を書くつもりです。ｖ（＾＿＾ｖ）♪

The dreamer in me~~~

I love that Michelle Phan will do an inspirational video, especially at the start of the year. It makes me rethink about myself..

There are many lovely happenings that I've been dreaming of, and I've always hoped that I can achieve what I want without any worries.

Yes, I will carry on to have many wishes.. I'll never stop dreaming, cos this is what gives me the strength too.




And so coincidentally, I received this dreamcatcher as a gift from my friend. It appears in the video too~!! （＾∇＾）

Some things are just meant to be!! (^o^)☆

And my wishes will all be fulfilled, one by one..  *･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･'(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)'･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

明けましておめでとう～！Happy new year 2015 ~!

Much that I didn't really have whatever proper plans for the first day of the new year [I just wanna relax at home only], I'm glad I have the comfort of doing what I want~! Or maybe only at this time? lol. It was cool to be able to countdown, although among the crowds. And so I made my friend sacrifice her sleep for me. xD Bored it maybe, but at least I wasn't bored by myself. Haha.

And today, I spent my day watching Ayu's CDL to 2015. The circus theme was really a terrific and impressive performance!!



I'm pretty sure this is the first time I'm watching Ayu's CDL on a new year's day~!! ☆*:.｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆


Her spinning stunt in GAME in way amazing!! (ﾟOﾟ) It's cool Ayu sang her latest singles songs. I like the part where she sits on the moon singing Zutto. Although I like Last Minute the most, this live made me like Walk!! Walk is such a sad song that even Ayu sang until she cried. (T_T) Also, one thing special is that there is this guy singing to End roll. Quite surprised to see someone else singing to Ayu's song in her own live. lol. It was pretty good too! The encore was cool with so many songs, but XOXO and Lelio was shortened. I think it would be more fun if it's in full length.  (^o^)

We can sure see that Ayu has give in her all in this live. And recently after watching her Music Station Super Live performance I feel that she has matured a lot. Maybe cos she hasn't been attending to live shows for very long time already? I really got such a feeling!! This also made me feel I've actually grown up with her. We are all....getting old. Oops. (^_^;)


I'm really glad how Ayu made me cherish everything and everyone around me so much. 2014 isn't just isshi's year, Ayu came and give me hope as well.. My love for them will only deepen. And my life can only be better.

I will look ahead for better things to come.. Many more years of such power within me.


よし！やるぞ！♪───Ｏ（≧∇≦）Ｏ────♪