I'm over with Ayu.

[Continue from I wanna be free... ]

It's been 4 months since my last post on Ayu, and I really feel like I need to continue with saying about my feelings towards this queen to feel better.

Yeah, so recently and finally her new studio album was set to release this June, and the songs and pvs were released. But I couldn't wait that long to decide if I wanna continue as her fan. Anyway I didn't search to listen to them on purpose, since I don't keep up with her news anymore. Until when the pvs appeared on my feed and there I think I shall look at it and see how I feel. But really, NOTHING. I was reluctant to look at any updates of Ayu at first, but then at fb it was quite inescapable. Not that I'll give her a chance since I've already given up on her early this year. Well, I don't even need to ignore her or anything but I'm still a little curious if her latest song will make me feel any different if I were to listen to it. I've only watched the previews from her 2 pvs and man, this made me feel more affirmed that my decision to let her go is right! I don't want to dislike her actually, but whatever she does now made me even more and more upset and I just don't wanna see anything more of her anymore. I'm really sorry to say, but I feel the same sort of disappointment as always since....2010? Only that I haven't realise this earlier at that time. So right now, not a single bit of happiness experienced from listening her songs and can't helped but to dislike them. (¬_¬)

You see, I don't get why her pvs are repeating themselves, what's with the madwoman action again? Tearing things apart, ruining your own lipstick, so much like Don't look back and this confuses me with her intention in the first place in that 2010 lyrics. Yet we can see another of her pv with flashbacks of her past and she started crying. I really feel like saying, "Stop it! Stop doing the same concept over and over again. Either you are crying or you are becoming like a madwoman flipping your dress, running about and pouring yourself in water! Why??? This is not the Ayu I know of!! " I felt as though it was Ayu who couldn't move on. I thought when she tried on a different style in 2009 being electropop with NEXT LEVEL, she was about to embark a different route to her music style. I wasn't totally in for it and it took me sometime to like that album but I was still supportive of her anyway. But 7 years since that day she wasn't really changing into a better style but rather recycling her songs and reusing the same concepts. And her distinct style is long gone. I couldn't identify her nor relate to her anymore. She has became more distant and looked so much not like herself anymore. [Now I'm more convinced she went under the knife -_-] It's obvious she has lost herself and not know what she's doing. She's not even composing as CREA anymore. What has become of her? I don't get what she's writing and it feels so out of touch already. Whatever is she trying to do? I'm getting more confused than ever.

With that, and since I don't wanna get reminded of the past, my whole set of Ayu CD/DVD collection was thrown away. I did give away some to my fren for that at least I know of one who will cherish them better than I do now, and that I wanna get rid of the hassle of bringing the heavy load to a second-hand shop or whatever like selling online in which I have to keep up with the progress of anyone contacting me and arranging to meet me. I just wanna remove them all for once, and forget about them all. Yes, ONCE AND FOR ALL. It was thrown away right before me. I still had a chance to say farewell though. And there, I really DON'T HAVE ANY FEELINGS AT ALL. No sense of nostalgia, nor any can't-bear-to-see-it-go at all. I HAVE NO TEARS AND UNMOVED. I finally let them go.

I finally let go of Ayu.

I'm thankful for the past 12 years of fandom where she gave me the strength and inspiration back then during my early school days which was tough to go through. And giving me the thrill of going to every CD shop and hunt down for her CD/DVDs and feeling so satisfied being able to find that item I was looking for. They were so precious to me when I held it on my hands, the sense of happiness I felt in teens. How ironic when I love the item I treasured it so much it was so valuable to me, but when I came to dislike it, it feel like trash that I feel I couldn't benefit from it anymore and so I won't even wanna see it. Sad to say this though. (,_,)

I'm also thankful that I had the CD player that time where I can open up her CDs and listen to her songs over and over again, practising my singing of Japanese songs and admiring all the pictures in her lyric booklet. I'm thankful that she's the first Japanese artiste where I'm quite an expert back then in her songs and know all her discography where I can sing all her songs at the karaoke. Oh speaking of this, I went to sing karaoke earlier this month and I didn't even see Ayu's name appeared at the machine at all. It was weird. It's as though a sign that Ayu has left my life and I really wonder why I couldn't find her name at all when I even spotted Namie's. Not that I want to find it on purpose, but all the singers' names will appear on the screen and yet really there isn't Ayu's name at all I swear. Either it has gone from my eyes or this indeed is a sign. ＼(◎o◎)／！

To end this bit, I have utilised all the items as much as I could over the 12 years. Those are not wasted. That was how she lead me to this year, this day where I finally understood more about myself and knowing what I want. I have grown and moved on. Thank you for the past 12 years of pleasure and letting me being your fan. That's all that I can say. I'm sure of what I'm doing and I don't regret on giving up since this has made me feel way better. May you continue to do what you like, and so do I. Life will be better for me. I look forward to focus more on the important things in my life and all those I've been missing out. Many thanks for being my beginning.

さようなら、あゆ。