alone = independence?

This topic has been bothering me for some time already. As you know, I am the only child and I'm used to being alone. But something that I don't get it is that when I got my first job, the boss wanted me because of that. He presumes that those only child at home would be an independent person for the job that he wants the person to do. But hey, that I don't feel is exactly right? In fact, I wasn't ready at all to do everything right from the bottom [that being the independent thing] especially when I don't have any work experience from it! I don't like because even for very minor things I have to care about it, and the facilities are not all in place since the company was really new. Most importantly, the boss wanted someone who would do whatever he says. I'm kinda scared that I won't know how to protect myself and whether is it right or not to follow all his instructions. It's really kinda unbearable come to think of it. Like I had an interview before at a company that's even smaller and the office is so empty and somewhat worn out in the building. O_O And there is only 1 employee in the company besides the boss. If I'm being accepted I will be the second one and I was told that I have to be independent [again] enough that I can change the light bulb in the office should it be spoiled.

WHAT? This thing is even required of me to do in the job? Hella with your 'independence' idea! ⋋_⋌

Too many people out there likes to assume me to be like that. But nope, not really. I can go out alone, eat alone, shop alone, wander about alone. But that doesn't mean I am an independent person. There are tons of things that I don't know how to handle them. Yeah it sucks cos it made me feel like a helpless person. But I prefer everything to be in place already. I like to carry out the work only, not sourcing things out and do minor things like opening the letter box and sending things out. Strangely, I like to do that for myself, to send items to my friends but to do so everyday for my job I detest it. I don't like to look out for which printer to buy for the office, and then waste my time to do adjustments in the Excel files to format them the way I need to in order to print documents. Worse still, don't expect me to climb up and change the light bulbs damn it! I feel as though I have to be some multi-tasked utility worker I have to know everything and what especially it's more like a guy's job. IF I were to be the second employee I feel that I can die from falling down if I were careless while standing cos I was told there are times where I can be alone in the office with no one else. And so I have to do everything that is required of me during the day. You know, who will want to work in an environment without much people to interact with and no one will know if there's anything that happens to you! (¬_¬) How will I even gain the right experience from the major that I've learned too?

Alright, I may sound like I'm bad to think this way but really, would you like such a job? I really detest the time wasting things that I have to do every single day like this, unless my job is to be an admin but I'm not applying for that. Yet many expected this out of me. I feel it's so inefficient and that I have to become a repair man. I'm scared of light bulbs to be honest. [Why this keep circulating around bulbs -_-] There was a time where the light bulb at home got spoiled and my dad went to change it, but it was day time so I was sitting at the sofa near it. Who knows it suddenly burst and all the glass pieces flew everywhere! I was lucky cos I sat at the corner of the sofa so I wasn't hurt. It was a close call as a teen. I'm terrified of light bulbs from then. I wouldn't wanna touch it. I can't imagine what's gonna happen from glass that burst like that hurting any part of my body. I CAN'T. (｡•́︿•̀｡)

So yeah, I'm not an independent person as you thought. I rely and depend on people. I need people to help me with stuff. I can assist others too but I don't like to be the one out there to settle such small matters. And being alone doesn't mean anything. It's just that I wanted to have some peaceful time by myself so that I can have all the time to slowly look around at things and observe people. It's not always that you can find anyone to have a meal with you or to get the things you wanted at that time right? Everyone has their own schedule that you have to consider. I don't know if there are people who would be able to always have someone beside them all the time. I have a friend who told me cannot be alone. She doesn't allow herself to be alone, cos otherwise she'll end up thinking too much. But I wonder how she lives that way. Having some 'me' time allows me to think at my own world and should there be anything I can't figure I can always ask someone later. It's good to be able to feel comfortable by yourself isn't it? We all have to live with that sometimes. I feel that I can't think nor do anything properly if there's always someone around who could be watching me.... I need my own privacy too.

And being alone doesn't mean loneliness. My goodness, this is also another question that I'm being asked often just because I'm the only child. Seriously, I don't think I know what loneliness is. (¬_¬)

How is it that being alone means I'm lonely? I'm fine with that. I can watch the tv or read or do something else. How is that I would feel that sad? That my world is empty? I can't survive alone? I probably can't cos I rely on people. I'm not independent but that doesn't mean I feel lonely. I can always occupy myself with things but I may not be able to settle some things. Does it make sense now?


In fact, I'm pretty sure it's all got to do with one's character and a lot of those I came across being the eldest in the family tend to be the independent one. Cos they know how to look after their siblings and guide them along. I'm envy of them more than myself. While most people tend to envy me for getting whatever I want because I can have all the attention but they're pretty much having the wrong impression. I feel helpless at home. There are lots of things I wasn't allowed to do either. I wished I had a sibling whom I could look up to and look for whenever I needed help. My teenage life was kinda hard to bear with, until that I wanted to die back then. Now as an adult I grew out of everything. I just want people to stop mistaken me for something I'm not. 

That being said, I need not care about them but it bothers me cos it's been like that all the time. I don't wanna hear the same things over and over again.

I don't mind being alone although there are times where I'm afraid of being alone. I wouldn't say I'm a lonely person cos I'm not.

And whatever you think I am now, I might change anyway. For the sake of the ones whom I love, I will definitely go ahead to make myself do things that I don't usually do.

Who knows? Maybe I ended up changing the light bulbs at home.

Argh, still that sucks come to think of it. For now. lol. xD