Peace...

Updates on last week! I'm glad I can loosen up at bit for work and had a day off, but not that I can relax since I had to be out. Tried to get a little peace since I've found this area to rest for tea.

I get to read a book about life and that's where I get my inspiration from for my May lyric! This was good cos I wanted to write my lyric since last month. I had that little peace for an hour or so. The music was soothing too, but not that I can be so relax that I can have a nap there. lol. I wished I could but it didn't happened. So I was kinda tired at next day's work. ヽ(≧Д≦)ノ Not too pleasing but at least one thing completed so I'm still happy. haha.

I had a sudden craving for noodles and glad that I found this 炸酱面!! I missed out on the tomato noodles though, else I would pick it!

Better than my usual weekday lunch where I got sick of already. lol.


Some other food to add to this post:

Pork chop where I think this isn't any better to the one I used to go often. Nothing beats having a flavourful and soft pork chop ever! I swear I won't pick pork chop at other places anymore. haha.

Lastly, this cracker snack that tasted so good!

I really need good quality snacks to have for my weekends but still hoping they can be cheaper. ~( ´•︵•` )~

Well this leaves me to wonder if I should post the rest of my food photos in my phone accumulated for so long since last year. Should I should I?

There's so many things for me to start clearing~~


But this probably gives me more peace too? (・∪・)

I'm over with Ayu.

[Continue from I wanna be free... ]

It's been 4 months since my last post on Ayu, and I really feel like I need to continue with saying about my feelings towards this queen to feel better.

Yeah, so recently and finally her new studio album was set to release this June, and the songs and pvs were released. But I couldn't wait that long to decide if I wanna continue as her fan. Anyway I didn't search to listen to them on purpose, since I don't keep up with her news anymore. Until when the pvs appeared on my feed and there I think I shall look at it and see how I feel. But really, NOTHING. I was reluctant to look at any updates of Ayu at first, but then at fb it was quite inescapable. Not that I'll give her a chance since I've already given up on her early this year. Well, I don't even need to ignore her or anything but I'm still a little curious if her latest song will make me feel any different if I were to listen to it. I've only watched the previews from her 2 pvs and man, this made me feel more affirmed that my decision to let her go is right! I don't want to dislike her actually, but whatever she does now made me even more and more upset and I just don't wanna see anything more of her anymore. I'm really sorry to say, but I feel the same sort of disappointment as always since....2010? Only that I haven't realise this earlier at that time. So right now, not a single bit of happiness experienced from listening her songs and can't helped but to dislike them. (¬_¬)

You see, I don't get why her pvs are repeating themselves, what's with the madwoman action again? Tearing things apart, ruining your own lipstick, so much like Don't look back and this confuses me with her intention in the first place in that 2010 lyrics. Yet we can see another of her pv with flashbacks of her past and she started crying. I really feel like saying, "Stop it! Stop doing the same concept over and over again. Either you are crying or you are becoming like a madwoman flipping your dress, running about and pouring yourself in water! Why??? This is not the Ayu I know of!! " I felt as though it was Ayu who couldn't move on. I thought when she tried on a different style in 2009 being electropop with NEXT LEVEL, she was about to embark a different route to her music style. I wasn't totally in for it and it took me sometime to like that album but I was still supportive of her anyway. But 7 years since that day she wasn't really changing into a better style but rather recycling her songs and reusing the same concepts. And her distinct style is long gone. I couldn't identify her nor relate to her anymore. She has became more distant and looked so much not like herself anymore. [Now I'm more convinced she went under the knife -_-] It's obvious she has lost herself and not know what she's doing. She's not even composing as CREA anymore. What has become of her? I don't get what she's writing and it feels so out of touch already. Whatever is she trying to do? I'm getting more confused than ever.

With that, and since I don't wanna get reminded of the past, my whole set of Ayu CD/DVD collection was thrown away. I did give away some to my fren for that at least I know of one who will cherish them better than I do now, and that I wanna get rid of the hassle of bringing the heavy load to a second-hand shop or whatever like selling online in which I have to keep up with the progress of anyone contacting me and arranging to meet me. I just wanna remove them all for once, and forget about them all. Yes, ONCE AND FOR ALL. It was thrown away right before me. I still had a chance to say farewell though. And there, I really DON'T HAVE ANY FEELINGS AT ALL. No sense of nostalgia, nor any can't-bear-to-see-it-go at all. I HAVE NO TEARS AND UNMOVED. I finally let them go.

I finally let go of Ayu.

I'm thankful for the past 12 years of fandom where she gave me the strength and inspiration back then during my early school days which was tough to go through. And giving me the thrill of going to every CD shop and hunt down for her CD/DVDs and feeling so satisfied being able to find that item I was looking for. They were so precious to me when I held it on my hands, the sense of happiness I felt in teens. How ironic when I love the item I treasured it so much it was so valuable to me, but when I came to dislike it, it feel like trash that I feel I couldn't benefit from it anymore and so I won't even wanna see it. Sad to say this though. (,_,)

I'm also thankful that I had the CD player that time where I can open up her CDs and listen to her songs over and over again, practising my singing of Japanese songs and admiring all the pictures in her lyric booklet. I'm thankful that she's the first Japanese artiste where I'm quite an expert back then in her songs and know all her discography where I can sing all her songs at the karaoke. Oh speaking of this, I went to sing karaoke earlier this month and I didn't even see Ayu's name appeared at the machine at all. It was weird. It's as though a sign that Ayu has left my life and I really wonder why I couldn't find her name at all when I even spotted Namie's. Not that I want to find it on purpose, but all the singers' names will appear on the screen and yet really there isn't Ayu's name at all I swear. Either it has gone from my eyes or this indeed is a sign. ＼(◎o◎)／！

To end this bit, I have utilised all the items as much as I could over the 12 years. Those are not wasted. That was how she lead me to this year, this day where I finally understood more about myself and knowing what I want. I have grown and moved on. Thank you for the past 12 years of pleasure and letting me being your fan. That's all that I can say. I'm sure of what I'm doing and I don't regret on giving up since this has made me feel way better. May you continue to do what you like, and so do I. Life will be better for me. I look forward to focus more on the important things in my life and all those I've been missing out. Many thanks for being my beginning.

さようなら、あゆ。

#19 lyric: 望

Here comes my lyric meant for May! Gosh, it took me long enough to get this posted. But yeah as you know, I haven't been able to write a thing since May actually. And just nice on this beautiful Sunday I was able to write something that flows nicely like my favourite song of all time since no one's around to disturb me. What a rare chance lol. I know on one hand I was worried if I will ruin my top favourite Kagrra, song but I think I should just write it with all my heart, with the peace inside me. I will do the best that I can and not hesitate too much or else how will I ever get it done at any time. haha. Yeah, I managed to do this now, but I'm still left with 7 more lyrics to go where I haven't yet decided which and what to post. (>_<)

A really short one this time and the arrangement is also the same as Omou. I wonder why I ended up doing this for my songs in May. (^_^;)

[Inspired by Kagrra, 憶]

望（ぼう） Moon/Aspiration
The moon that represents the remembrance of my heart

Where thoughts are mindless, they keep pouring like rain
With the existence of no beginning and no end,
I'm drifting along like roaming river

*The moon that represents the remembrance of my heart
returning my faith to me that was long forgotten

Waves sweeping away imprints of sand
returning all things into ashes
Even memories will have to say goodbye

*The moon that represents the remembrance of my heart
returning my faith to me that was long forgotten

Feelings of eternity,
hold back time like it should

*The moon that represents the remembrance of my heart
returning my faith to me that was long forgotten

Drifting flowers like snow

~~~~~
I hope you are here to see,  

what I have written with you in mind. 

~~Yuuka 

Ending June...

This time I wanna look back at my goals I've set for this year and see how I've progressed. How fast time flies and 6 months have passed! We have another 6 more months to see if I've persevere and reach my goals. Hope I'll manage to complete all of them as much as I want and have to. Just keep swimming~~ lol.

✿ Continue my lyric writing which I love best! → still doing but my inspiration doesn't come as good as before like last year's, so I didn't write a lot.

✿ Doing anime reviews and not get too rushed to complete the series → okay, this one is good. I'm still watching and even catching up with the latest favourite anime of mine. I can do this one yeah!

✿ Complete my Kagrra quotes page → Oh no, I haven't been touching this for a long time! Maybe this might end up as a lifetime goal. lol.

✿ Do a book review to see what I can gain from reading it → yes I've already started on this and it feels good! I do gain a lot and not wasted the space for them in my shelves haha.

✿ Try a new online course to expand my knowledge on the topics I'm really interested in → Oh no, this could be a huge failure!! I was set into learning Dutch with this free online course but not that I would love to learn that language but it was the only one available. (¬_¬) And that whole week made me so so so exhausted as I have to find time after dinner each day to digest what they've taught. But honestly, there's too much to learn for a week and I don't like the way they organised the lesson structure. It was by no means any easy to remember the words. And it's just the introduction (basic) for 3 weeks. How is that possible? Yeah, if only u have all the time in the entire day and you can get to practise as much in the 3 weeks. Otherwise, it's not working for me!!! What have I remembered for just a week of Dutch? [I couldn't even complete the full lesson layout for the week]  NONE! I don't even know how to say good morning or good night in Dutch. I wonder why they don't teach basic daily phrases at the start of the course. It's not helping me at all and,.... I shall learn something else from there maybe? Or I'd rather learn another European language or I shall stick to something I'm already familiar with. lol

✿ Read and write more Japanese for this blog! → Now where is this going? (;・・)

✿ Watch my mood, thoughts, sleep, diet and exercise routine. → I think I talk about this like all the time, but just watch and no suggestions for improvement? Okay, I suggest and improve myself. lol.

✿ Take better care of my hair!! → I'm not sure if it's getting better. The hair tonic took me 3 months to complete all but I didn't get significant hair growth. I'm not sure if I should continue for another 3 months cos this is vexing me. What if it's still the same? I've no confidence it in that it'll work for me. Although a friend recommended that to me, I'm starting to have doubts already. Argh, so I've already stop trying to get a second one. (._.)


Okay, seeing this means I still have a long way to go. (┯_┯) I guess I need to keep reminding myself to do all these that I've always wanted to and not let procrastination pull me down. lol. I must achieve my resolutions by the end of this year! I'll keep swimming~~ xD

Songs that made me teared

Didn't mean to talk about something sad, but it was when I came across this Buck-tick song that made me feel so sad I teared naturally I thought I should have a post about this. There are many songs that made me feel sad but to let me tear or cry it's just not that easy. These few are the ones that went into my heart emotionally and I felt the pain. I have no idea why but it just happens. I just hope I won't be crying whenever I listen to them until that I'm afraid of them like I used to for Kagrra,.


● Ayu - HEAVEN

● Kagrra, - 終焉の季節 Shuuen no Kisetsu

● BUCK-TICK - Not Found

For HEAVEN and Shuuen no Kisetsu, they sure are songs about death. Not Found is a bit more complex. It's not obvious whether it's a death song but the moment I heard it it pierce into my heart for some reason. I would interpret this as a death song to me, as though someone has left and is not found as we would like.

Well, this is what I get for being this emotional. I do have written a death song sometime last year? Now I wonder if I'm afraid to release this myself. I hope, despite all the sadness that has given me the inspiration, I feel better after that and cherish all that I've got.

I wanna do things with all my heart as you know..

I've found Dory~

Yes..! Now that I can blog on my Sunday afternoon in which I almost thought I couldn't because there's still tons of things that I wanted to do for the day. But oh well, I still give in to sleep since I was really tired without coffee and I'm blogging because I really wanted to do so. Lol.

So here goes, I didn't achieve much this week. Work got much manageable since I completed my tasks on time. Man I was so relieved only after I got over the deadline. But this repeats every month so I feel kinda drained each time. I don't know how to face the next year and maybe my responsibilities might get more? I'm actually in a stage whereby I don't wanna learn anything else more at work because I'm afraid of the burden on me and this is just risky in this place where everyone pushes the responsibility away. Yeah it can happen anywhere but I've got no interest at work anymore. I may look really focused all the time but I feel sick of them all in my heart. (,_,)  Although for the end of this week we're all done with the self-appraisal and my manager gave me good comments and a higher score than mine, I'm actually not sure if I should be happy with this. (x_x)

Maybe I shall go read more books and get my head more organised for work. Maybe it's all because I'm starting to feel sad that we have to leave this place soon... (´；Д；｀)


Well well. There's something that I've discovered that made me squealed! Internally. Haha.

Look at that fish tank in our office! Little did I know that we have that blue fish all along!! Yes that blue fish in the middle that is the species of Dory that I'm talking about!! I wanted to take a clearer picture of it but that's the best I could since it just so happens to wanna go inside when I wanna take a picture of it. (-_-) It was just a day earlier that I realised this blue fish before I go to the movies and in fact, since I've actually found Dory just near me I need not find it anymore right. lol~ haha. What a lame joke I'm cracking. (≧▽≦)

Anyway I'm still in the midst of clearing stuffs in my room. It's been a month now since I've applied the KonMari method. Well papers and books is kinda hard for me to sort and discard. I have too much of such junk and can't helped but to write all sorts of things I come across. I'm trying all that I can to do bit by bit. Can't wait until I can announce here that I'm done with this and living in the kind of style I deserve. lol.

Argh yeah.. Dug these thumbdrives hiding in a pencil case of mine. Did anyone use this anymore?I wonder why did I buy that blue one years ago thinking that I would need it. But gosh, I haven't use it anymore. I don't know what have I saved inside and I'm afraid to look at it. Thumbdrives are scary cos there was once I had an old one that had virus in it because of a program I have to download and save it for school project. So what am I having this for now? I don't have school or anything and why do I have this? Omg I don't understand myself. And as for Patrick, he's a gift from my friend years ago too and I'm very sure I haven't touch it at all. It's totally in it's original packaging like that. lol. Damn should I still keep this stuff? (-｡-;


Now I need to find myself back!!

My Gratitude list

June has came so quickly somehow I feel that I have no chance to take things slow and breathe! There are times earlier on before this month that made me feel horrible about my life, getting sick of things around me, lacking in motivation and feeling down for no reason... I really don't understand why am I here, what purpose do I serve having to do tons of stuffs, having all sorts of things weighing on me. Why should I be here to fulfill the obligations for others but not myself? What is life exactly about? I can't helped but to have such questions sometimes. Although I don't have all the answers yet, but I do think there is a need to make myself feel better while searching for them.

So here I am gonna list down things that I am grateful for so as to remind myself to be happy and that I shouldn't be feeling bad and complain so much. But complaining do make me feel better sometimes lol. If I were to keep everything in my heart I'm sure I would have long exploded. Writing is my escape so I feel better when I get to say things out of my heart. Oh wells, I'll also try to say more positive stuffs when I can~ (^_^;)

Things that I am grateful for: 
✦ being in good health, that I can breathe properly
✦ have the money to buy little things I want after a day's work as a reward
✦ have friends whom I can depend on and talk with a lot
✦ free to believe in what I want
✦ I could rest and plan my weekends
✦ mistakes that made me learn *cringe*
✦ living in a home, even without much privacy
✦ books that taught me so much
✦ kindness from strangers who helped me when I need
✦ Tears that made me know what sadness is, and that's how I learn how to treasure things
✦ Aging (whether with wrinkles), I feel a year wiser
✦ able to see and appreciate what's before me, the beauty of this world
✦ Food readily on my table
✦ having a job although I don't like it. My eyesight is getting worse now (I can feel it) but I'm exposed to people and still learning
✦ listen to my favourite rock music that enhance my mood
✦ blanket and jackets that always keep me warm
✦ the existence of isshi-sama whom gave me the strength and encourage me to dream♥

Although Isshi is my regret for not cherishing Kagrra more often back then, he is something that I'm thankful for to get back myself again.

Thank you my Isshi-sama. Thank you for everything. I'm grateful that I came across you and be myself. And thank you everything on this Earth for having me even though I did so little. Thank you for showing me what life is.


 ♥(✿ฺ´∀`✿ฺ)ﾉ ✿ฺ･:*:･どうも有り難うございます。･:*:･✿ฺ~

Starting my June...

Argh I couldn't blog last week becos of the bad internet connection. Anyway, I've been trying hard to find time and squeeze everything that I wanted to do for the week! It's really exhausting but I'm also trying not to push myself too much until that I don't have enough rest. Although no matter how much sleep I have it's just not enough for me lol. Well well let's jump to updates now!

I bought only these 2 cosmetics last week and started using them immediately. lol. I'm only impressed with the Skin Flat concealer cos it really covers up my pores and feels so smooth!! It's as good as the CC cream that I bought last year! I'm loving this brand now. haha. Japan products are so good! But for the Clear Last face powder, I kinda regret for not looking at it closely. I was searching for loose powder not this type though, and I was focusing on the words matte and it being pink so I chose this one. Little did I know that it was the darkest shade of all. (-_-) I didn't expect that the words reflects the shade and I wasn't reading them indicating the shades at the side. Argh argh. But anyway, I'm still using them since I don't think the dark shade will be that obvious on the face. I just pat pat it all over basically for the peachy smell from it. Yes, that's one of the best thing about it! That's why I think I shouldn't ditch it since the smell just made me feel refreshed in the morning. One thing good about it at least. Lesson learned next time shall not be captured by such cute packaging. Lol. (;・・)

A nice treat by my favourite friend whom we haven't met in a year plus. I'm happy to see him although we didn't do much. I was also feeling so tired without coffee in the morning. lol. One thing I feel bad is that I ate his bowl of ramen by mistake. We ordered same type of ramen but of different soup base. I should have waited a little longer till the next arrived before opening my mouth for the food but I was too hungry damn it. ヽ(≧Д≦)ノ Although he doesn't mind, but I'm really sorry~~ somehow I just can't say this in front of him but I still hope he understands. (>_<)

And then at night I had to walk around and spotted a new place for dinner. This western food serves good food too! (⌒‐⌒)


Then for this week I got 2 cakes as an early Father's day present since I couldn't think of any others to get.

The one inside is Earl Grey and it's not just special, it taste superb! Much better than the strawberry shortcake! I'm so impressed and happy. I think I have a new tea favourite too. haha.


Yesterday was fun too, after cat cafe we went to sing Karaoke which was a last minute decision. (≧▽≦)

I'm glad for the first time I sang Buck-tick. This is so cool but only I know one song. Haha (^o^) Anyway the selections are really bad since those songs that I know and wanna sing just aren't there. Japanese song choices are really pathetic. Chinese ones might be okay but I wasn't really in the mood for chinese songs plus I've really not practise singing for a long time. I feel so detached with singing. Singing began to be an activity I can't enjoy as much as before since I spend my time doing other stuffs mostly listening than singing. What a pity right.. When I have the time I don't have the money but when I have the money I don't have the time to sing songs as good as before. So my money has to be left to spend on other enjoyable things then. lol.

Lastly, little gifts from my dear friend:

I'm happy this weekend too! Although I've spent so much but it doesn't matter. Nothing beats being with the right people and the experience.


2 more weeks to go? 

I should have...

I should have been more firm. Should not doubt myself. Should be certain about what I was doing. Shouldn't give in easily. Shouldn't think too much about others. Should know what is correct way of handling matters that will not endanger my position. I should have been direct and emphasize my point. I need not show unnecessary concern. 

That beats for someone like me who isn't good at articulating. I just can't get good words off my mouth in split seconds right at that moment. I'm still better with written words cos at least I have few seconds to think of what to write. How does everyone's mind work? I wonder how can some react really fast to situations with the right spoken words. I've been messing up with what I'm trying to say lately. Maybe becos I don't get to talk on the phone as often as before? Maybe compared to others I'm really someone who speak lesser words in a day... I don't know but I can talk really well with my friends. Maybe facing with strangers puts me into some nervous mode unknowingly. I don't even know what I'm saying sometimes. It's annoying while I'm trying not to embarrass myself. What can I do about this?? :( 

Is there a time where I can really rest and not think of a thing especially with regards to work? 😢

先週: 疲憊

I've been sleeping at around 12 am for the whole of last week...no matter how hard I was trying to get myself to be in bed earlier but I just can't. I ended up doing lots of stuffs for myself and I can't seem to stop! I have been doing things every minute at work, and when back at home I ended up the same, the difference being doing for myself but not for the sake of money lol. But it's really exhausting, since my brain keeps on working non-stop and so I see weird dreams at night again. This really affects my sleep quality cos I don't feel having enough rest, not to mention that 7 hours of sleep is surely NOT enough plus there are always noises around so I got disturbed again and again. This really sucks how I have to summarize for the week. -_- Nevertheless I enjoyed my weekend not doing much haha. But it was kinda wasted since I don't think I'm productive for myself for the week. Well, there's bound to be a time to take things a little slow or to just shut away from everything else. Let's see how's it for this week. I hope my energy will be back again. Work is definitely gonna be a rush but despite that I hope I can get the things I want to be completed.

Yes! Let me regain my energy even with all the aches!! ^_^;